Forward

I am making so many changes in my life with this new year, or atleast I am trying. I was seeing a therapist for a while and while I ultimately decided that she was not a good fit for me, she said a lot of things that were completely wrong and she was very pushy about those things. She also said a lot of things that were completely right.

My ex has disappeared, he wont show up to court, he’s made it so that he can only contact me when he wants to aggravate me but I cant contact him when I want to discuss things like, why the hell wont you just let us both get this thing over with. I know the answer though, he thinks he’s punishing me in some way. He’s not…but I am afraid that the IRS will go after him soon, and that will take me down as well, not because I don’t  pay my taxes, I do but he does not and the IRS wont care how long we’ve been separated or that I can’t contact him unless he contacts me they just want their money. I’m taking these matters into my own hands. I have made it so he cannot contact me. I can’t spend any more of my life living in the shadows of this bad marriage, I’ve told my friends that I no longer want to discuss the marriage or him or what they’ve heard about him. I’ve told my mother I no longer want to discuss the effect my marriage had on her, and I’ve told my brothers that they can be angry at me for those two years but until they are in an abusive relationship and understand the control that relationship has over every aspect of your life they are not entitled to have any judgment on any decision I made. I have recovered every aspect of my life and if anyone wants to be angry about it so be it but I wont ask for their forgiveness, I don’t care what they think. Espically if they can’t understand what I went through.

I intend to do everything with in my legal right to end this marriage, but in my eyes it has been over a long time, in my eyes it was never real and I no longer have any interest in looking back or wishing I had done things differently. I am moving forward. My therapist said to live my life as if it never happened and to weed out my relationships accordingly. That is what I’m doing.

I’m applying to colleges this week, I figure its time to finish my degree. I don’t have any excuses any more and I’m not getting any younger. I need to make sure I have a back up plan. I have worked to hard to get from where I was to where I am to lose all that if something were to happen at work. I need to make sure  I have a back up plan. I need to make sure that even though I have a person to relay on if something goes wrong that I can always still support myself. I have two savings accounts my debts in repayment (slowest process in history) I have a weekly budget that I work to stay with in. My credit score has gone up 20 points.

I’ve lost 60lbs since last year. It turns out that once you get into the habit of making healthy choices everything else kind of follows. Sure I’ve had some help here. I have been seeing the medical weight loss center at my doctors office but to do this the right way and not with crash dieting is so much more satisfying than losing 10lbs in a week and putting back on 20. I still hate the gym, but its growing on me I guess.

Oh and I finally finished painting the kitchen. If anyone ever decides to paint anything red ever just listen to me and don’t. What a nightmare.

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Working

Lately I have been increasingly paranoid about losing my job. It’s not that I feel like I’m doing anything wrong, but the company is going through a lot of changes and I can’t help but feel like I am going to be one of them. I’m hoping it’s all in my head but it is definitely putting a fire in me to finish my degree.
I’ve spent entirely too much time in my life since high school not having a backup plan and now that my life is finally starting to settle down from the past couple years and be more stable I feel like I need to start coming up with backups. And maybe some backups for my backups.
I’ve always had trouble with school. The weird thing is I’m a great worker but I’m more driven to make money then I am to sit in a class room. Focus is hard for me and the older I get the harder it is. This somewhat spills into my work life but I am usually able to get it under control. I know if I were to lose my job I would be able to go back to the bar until I could find another job but I have come so far since those days that I almost feel like if I were to go back there I may do some back sliding.
I’m finally at a point where I am able to pay my rent, buy my groceries, put gas in my car, put money in savings, and have some money left over. Some weeks are still a struggle but I’m getting there. And slowly but surely I am getting less help from my parents.
I still really want to move but I am not quite at a point where I feel secure enough in my relationship where I am ok with putting someone else’s name on the lease. And I know that if I left here I could not afford a higher rent on my own. I also have the safety net of knowing that as long as I live here if I were to ever lose my job and get behind my landlord wouldn’t just evict me.
I’ve never worked only one job. Ever since high school I’ve always had two. Sometimes every three jobs so that if something happened to one job I had something to fall back on. While I love being able to just come home after work I always felt a little more secure knowing that if I lost this job I would at least make enough money to put gas in my car to look for another job.
I don’t know what sparked this feeling in me. Though sometimes I think that I have a hard time feeling secure in anything ever since I married my ex. I know I can’t blame him for everything that’s wrong in my life. But I never had these constant feelings of insecurity before him. I am still working to cope with the things that have happened. I found a great therapist and I am learning to deal with life without the help of medication which is big for me because living a normal functioning life on psychiatric meds is very difficult for me. I haven’t been on any meds in over a year. And for the most part I feel great. Considering I was hospitalized three years ago yesterday I am doing great without meds. Retrospectively I think what happened three years ago was because I felt that there was only one way to get out of my situation. It was not the way. And I’m glad for that. I wish the person I am now could have met the person I was then and let her know that there is a way out and that life goes on.
My niece was born while I was hospitalized. And I still regret that the most. She will be three this week and every day I am thankful that I am here to watch her grow up and be a part of her life.
Right now I am at my personal best financially emotionally and probably physically. I am working to do things the right way and not the fast way or the easy way. Maybe the reason I am so worried about losing my job is because all of these things are a result of the job that I have. I definately don’t want to sabotage myself.

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Dammit Murphy

If ever I needed proof that Murphy’s Law was real today was it. Today was the one month mark of me starting my new job, it was also the day of a big event my business was putting on with a lot of important clients, I was helping. It was huge for me. Obviously because the timing is terrible I started getting sick Saturday. I laid low for the weekend in the hopes that I would be able to fight this thing off, instead I woke up this morning with some sort of mix between the Ebola virus, swine flu, and pneumonia. I have never felt so sick in my life, but I still got up put a dress on and got my ass to work. I had to put together 200 goody bags for this thing. 200 of them. That’s a lot, I should have started this last week but none of us thought that it would A take so long and B the day would go the way it did.

So here I am putting these things together and the next thing I know the building is being evacuated. I still don’t know why we were evacuated. So after a good 20 minutes of being evacuated from the building we are allowed to go back in. Fifteen minutes later the power goes out. Briefly, and comes back on. Then it goes off again. This time it didn’t come back on for a decent amount of time. Ever see that picture of will smiths family reacting to Miley Cyrus performance at the VMAS? Because those faces are the only adequate way to describe the way I felt today. All and all it wound up going pretty well, I didnt get to participate much in the event itself since they didn’t want me spreading my swinebola virus around. I’m just hoping that me being sick doesn’t negatively reflect on me since my performance review is coming up at 60 days. Right now I’m trying to fight it off with some tea and puppy cuddling before my roommate comes home and steals him away.

Yes my roommate, Tim has been here for three days now, and its weird. I’m kind of sad since I’m starting to feel like my dog likes him better then me. So far it seems that all my worry about him staying here has been unwarranted. We barely see each other since we work opposite shifts and don’t have the same days off. We did eat breakfast together Sunday which was a little weird but kind of nice. I sort of feel like I don’t know how to act around him now. Like maybe we went from just friends to roommates way to fast. Its not forever, and eventually ill figure it out. But I’m just not sure like what to do. Like do I try to hang out with him when were both home together? Do I like feed him and leave water outside his door?

Ive had male roommates before but never ones if dated/ slept with. All weirdness aside, which I think most of the weirdness is in my head, it really is going well. Pup likes him, kitties like him, and hes been insanely helpful with the dog especially since today I left the house at 8:30 am and didnt get home till 8:30 pm. Plus like I said we dont see much of each other. Its almost like living alone still, except I have a little help. It doesnt hurt that I told my ex I had a boyfriend, and I know hes been watching the house, so I’m sure hes seen Tim coming and going so now it doesnt seem like such a lie.

I have been trying to be more optimistic about life as it definitely seems like the more optimistic I am the better things seem to go for me. Its still early on in everything so I dont want to be to blindly optimistic but the future does look good. One day at a time, and hopefully tomorrow ill wake up without the swinebola kicking my ass so I can be a real person again.

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The biggest thing my ex did for me was teach me exactly what I didn’t want out of life. Sure, I briefly spirled into his drug use thinking that if I did it with him it wouldn’t bother me as much. I was 20, I would like to say I didn’t know any better but I did. Fortunately I was able to pull myself out of that thought process before it became a serious issue. His drug addiction literally destroyed my life. I kept wanting to believe it would go away, or that we could work through it. We couldn’t, and it didn’t.

I wasn’t lying when I said that during our two year marriage he never once paid even the equivalent to one months rent, or even the equivalent of an electric bill. Infact we separated twice and I wound up having to pay the rent even for the time I didn’t live there. He stole from me, even robbed our house to pay for his addiction.

I always knew this wasn’t a life I wanted, I never ever would have pictured myself in this situation, but it happened and now here I am. Two and a half years later trying to dig myself out. We spent a year and a half on food stamps, barely scraping by on the 250 a month we were given and that’s if I could hide the card in a place well enough that he couldn’t find it to trade them for drugs or whatever else he was trading them for. You can judge a person on food stamps all you want, but trust me they don’t go far, and I was thankful for every single thing they gave us. At that time I was lucky to afford toilet paper let alone a weeks worth of groceries.

Currently I work three jobs, and that is just to afford the basics, I don’t have cable, my internet is paid for by my boss so on occasion I can work from home, and my rent is never ever on time. I am lucky to have a good enough relationship with my landlord that she has worked with me to catch up if I fall behind. I am buried in debt. Some of it my own doing but a lot of it was his. When get married its supposed to be a team effort, two people working towards one goal one life one family but for me that never happened.

I have a big interview Monday, for a job with a boss who has realistic expectations, that pays well, that will perhaps put an end to my need to work three jobs, or atleast that will allow me to start getting ahead while I work three jobs. I am determined to make something out of myself because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life struggling. The struggle today is very different then the struggle a year ago but I promised myself I would never again have to show up at family Christmas empty handed.

The full time job I have now took me six months to find. Trying to find a full time job with minimal experience and no college degree is tough. No one takes you seriously and I honestly cant blame them. Realistically I know that the chances of me bagging this first interview are slim but I am far more confidant in what I bring to  the table now than I was when I first started out. I have learned so much in the job I have and for that I will always be thankful. Taking this interview is bittersweet but I know where I want to be in life, and I know what I have to do to get there.

On top of working three jobs I am also working to get back into college, I have screwed that up way to many times to count but I am hoping that having all the drama out of my life and the maturity that came with the changes I have made will help me to succeed this time. My biggest regret in life is not sticking with college, or figuring out what I wanted to do earlier on. Maybe everything could have been avoided.

In a completely unrelated matter “Tim” the guy I dated from one of the restaurants I work at is now coming to work at my bar full time (I work here almost full time on top of my full time job). I am not super excited about this considering things between us have been over since may and he has recently started spreading rumors about me. Coming from a guy who didn’t even have the balls to tell me he was going back to his ex that is pretty interesting. You would think he would have at least had the decency to stay at the other restaurant where we would only have to see each other 1 day a week maybe. Now I have to look at him 5 days a week. I couldn’t be more excited. Except that I’m not. Fortunately for me unlike him I’m an adult and can keep the way I feel to myself. So this may be interesting especially since I’ve spent the past week clearing up the fact that I didn’t let him put anything in my butt. So thanks buddy, I appreciate that, especially since it isn’t true. I guess I probably wouldn’t care so much if he was telling the truth about anything, but the stuff he’s saying is just so outlandish that I cant even believe anyone actually believes it. The moral of that story is don’t ever date anyone you work with…ever.

Work

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