Forward

I am making so many changes in my life with this new year, or atleast I am trying. I was seeing a therapist for a while and while I ultimately decided that she was not a good fit for me, she said a lot of things that were completely wrong and she was very pushy about those things. She also said a lot of things that were completely right.

My ex has disappeared, he wont show up to court, he’s made it so that he can only contact me when he wants to aggravate me but I cant contact him when I want to discuss things like, why the hell wont you just let us both get this thing over with. I know the answer though, he thinks he’s punishing me in some way. He’s not…but I am afraid that the IRS will go after him soon, and that will take me down as well, not because I don’t  pay my taxes, I do but he does not and the IRS wont care how long we’ve been separated or that I can’t contact him unless he contacts me they just want their money. I’m taking these matters into my own hands. I have made it so he cannot contact me. I can’t spend any more of my life living in the shadows of this bad marriage, I’ve told my friends that I no longer want to discuss the marriage or him or what they’ve heard about him. I’ve told my mother I no longer want to discuss the effect my marriage had on her, and I’ve told my brothers that they can be angry at me for those two years but until they are in an abusive relationship and understand the control that relationship has over every aspect of your life they are not entitled to have any judgment on any decision I made. I have recovered every aspect of my life and if anyone wants to be angry about it so be it but I wont ask for their forgiveness, I don’t care what they think. Espically if they can’t understand what I went through.

I intend to do everything with in my legal right to end this marriage, but in my eyes it has been over a long time, in my eyes it was never real and I no longer have any interest in looking back or wishing I had done things differently. I am moving forward. My therapist said to live my life as if it never happened and to weed out my relationships accordingly. That is what I’m doing.

I’m applying to colleges this week, I figure its time to finish my degree. I don’t have any excuses any more and I’m not getting any younger. I need to make sure I have a back up plan. I have worked to hard to get from where I was to where I am to lose all that if something were to happen at work. I need to make sure  I have a back up plan. I need to make sure that even though I have a person to relay on if something goes wrong that I can always still support myself. I have two savings accounts my debts in repayment (slowest process in history) I have a weekly budget that I work to stay with in. My credit score has gone up 20 points.

I’ve lost 60lbs since last year. It turns out that once you get into the habit of making healthy choices everything else kind of follows. Sure I’ve had some help here. I have been seeing the medical weight loss center at my doctors office but to do this the right way and not with crash dieting is so much more satisfying than losing 10lbs in a week and putting back on 20. I still hate the gym, but its growing on me I guess.

Oh and I finally finished painting the kitchen. If anyone ever decides to paint anything red ever just listen to me and don’t. What a nightmare.

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Things I should probably do this year

  Last year I spent new years eve sitting alone at the bar I was working at feeling like my world was ending. At this point I was still trying to work things out with my husband and he had promised to spend new years eve with me then blew me off last minute because “he wanted to be alone”. At this point I knew he was blowing me off for one of the many girls he was cheating on me with, and I had started to reach a point where I really needed to admit it to myself. Despite all of this my new years resolution had been to work things out with him and save my marriage, and to get a better job, one that I could build a career off of.

 In a lot of ways I did both of those things. I finally worked out the fact that I would never be able to work things out with my ex husband, and I did infact start a job that help me gain the experience I needed to land the job I have now, which is not only the best paying job I’ve ever had, its a job that makes me feel good about myself, my life, and the direction that my life is going on.

 This new years ever started out a little rocky. I had invited Tim to go to the party I was going to but ” he already had plans” and opted to stick with those rather then going out with me and my friends. I was pretty upset about this, partly because I haven’t yet been able to let go of the things my ex had done to me and partly because I am still not entirely sure about the direction of our relationship. Despite being frustrated I still put on my tiara and dubbed myself the queen of 2014. I danced, played some drinking games, and rang in the new year with a great new group of friends. I had anticipated not seeing Tim but he was at home waiting for me when I finally made it home.

There are still some changes that need to be made this year. There are still somethings I should be doing that I’m not, things I need to figure out, things I need to let go of. I guess a lot of it is easier said then done.

First, I need to lose weight. When I met my husband I had finally been down to my goal pants size which was a size 13, when I met him I was down to 165 lbs, which was still overweight for my height but it was down almost 100 pounds from where I had started as a junior in highschool when I first started trying to loose weight. It took me 3 years of yoyo dieting to get there but I finally made it to where I wanted to be and I had done it in a healthy way. Unfortuantely I am an emotional eater, and I cant blame him entirely but with all the stress anxiety and depression he brought into my life I have as of today put all that weight back on. It really started to hit me when I bought my maid of honor dress for my best friends wedding and had to buy a size 26. Four years ago I bought a dress for  another wedding in a size 13. Of course its not all about the size of a dress, its mostly about the way I feel, and right now I don’t feel healthy… AT ALL. I feel sick all the time, I feel nauseous and bloated and I’m constantly in pain. I have Fibromyalgia and all the extra weight I’m carrying isn’t helping that situation at all either. I start my diet tomorrow. And hopefully I will be able to do it successfully. I have considered going the surgical route but I am not entirely sure that that route is the right route for me.

Next I need to figure out what is going on between Tim and I, on my end and on his. What we have is good, but weve been “talking” off and on for a year and I want a relationship where I feel secure, if this isn’t going to be it then I need to move on. I don’t expect him to marry me, all I expect is for him to commit to this…and maybe move into the bed room. We can take everything else from there.

Do more things out side of my comfort zone. I have a hard time with this and it has held me back a lot in life, this held me back in starting my career and its held me back socially. There have been so many things I’ve opted out of because I didn’t know people well enough and I know I’ve missed out on a lot. I don’t want to do that anymore, considering with this divorce I have basically been given a second chance at a real life I need to take the opportunity to do so and do something with it.

Get my divorce finalized, I really need to do this in order to be able to move on with my life. Hes put me in such a financial hole that I need to file for bankruptcy to get my self out of it, I don’t really have any other option. Once the divorce is final I can finally change my number and officially be away from him and all his craziness… and maybe I can actually start to let go of everything that’s happened.

 Learn to let go, sure I have forgiven him, and pretty much everyone else involved but I still haven’t been able to let go of everything that happened and everything I’ve been through in the past 3 years. I want nothing more than to put him, this marriage, and all the abuse, cheating, and lies in the past and never look back.

 I am excited for the year to come and the opportunities I have been given. Its time to make 2014 my bitch.

 

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