Hiding my feelings

I’ve decided to be the type of person who tells someone exactly how I feel regardless of whether or not they ask for my opinion, but especially if they ask for my advice. My friends have always said that I was the most up front with them but to be honest I have held a lot back, and after the past five years of my life, looking back on everything I went though, and everything that maybe could have been prevented had someone just said me down and talked some sense into me. I don’t want to be that person who could have talked some sense into someone but kept my mouth shut to avoid rocking the boat.

I don’t want to live in the past anymore, I don’t want to hide from it either. I’m not embarrassed by it any more and I’m mostly not hurt by it anymore. There are things that still hurt, but most of them involve the things I don’t have now that I thought I would, most of them involve the time I wasted. I thought I had delt with everything and put it in the past until Thursday night. I ran into my old bosses wife, they had been our neighbors in my first apartment with my ex, they had been our neighbors when we found out we were pregnant and decided to get married and move into my parents house to save for a place that we could live in together and not with roommates. That was the last time I saw them until Thursday. I had honestly thought those four years of my life were enough of a public train wreck that I would never have to tell anyone what had happened to me, or my life, my marriage or my baby. But there we were in the grocery store parking lot in three degrees and she asked me how my baby was, how old and what I wound up having. First, I wanted to lie, or run, anything to avoid rehashing the past five years of my life. I think the most painful part of everything now was the loss of my child. I don’t think that will ever be something I will learn to cope with. I know it was a blessing, I know I am thankful for it every day, but it still kills me. I still deal with it every time I hold my friends babies, or walk past any baby aisle in any store. I am trying not to live in the past and look towards the future but sometimes I feel like I cant escape it.

My friend is going to marry the wrong person. We’ve been friends since we were 14, that’s 11 years of friendship, and she is going to marry the wrong person. They have been together for 10 years, 10 years, two children and way more bullshit then someone should ever put another person through. Recently we found out he was on some website looking for women and transvestites to have sex with. At first she was going to call the marriage off, and when we found that out everything made sense. All of the bullshit suddenly made sense. I think he’s gay, I really do, I think he’s gay and he cant admit it to himself so he is doing all these things to try to stop himself from being gay. So she was going to call off the engagement. And I was relieved because I have never been a huge fan of him. Suddenly, she started this giant rush to the alter, settling for a wedding she didn’t want, taking out loans even starting a go fund me. Wanting to have an out door wedding in the mountains five hours away the last weekend in October with a man who can not drive himself there who will have a two month old baby officiating the wedding.

For the few months of planning all I have heard her say is that she is settling for this wedding. Finally as things got more and more outlandish I had to say something. I do not support this wedding. I cant, she is rushing this because she thinks that getting married is going to fix all the problems in her relationship and it wont, marriage makes small problems larger, and quite honestly, there biggest problem is that hes gay!! HE IS GAY! you can not marry the gay away, it isn’t a choice. If he cant admit it to himself then she needs to  face the facts, he wanted to cheat on her with another man. It is fine to be gay, it is fine to struggle with it. It is not fine to spend 10 years destroying another person because you cant cope with who you are and I will not stand by and watch someone who I care about go through the same bullshit I did if I can do anything about it.

I finally said something to her. I told her I was concerned that she was rushing this wedding because she thought it was going to solve the problems in her relationship and it wasn’t, if anything it would make them worse, she had been with him 10 years and had two children with him, why is she willing to sacrifice the wedding she wants to rush to get married all of a sudden. She basically responded with, if she doesn’t marry him shell wind up alone forever. Not directly but pretty much the response I got. Thursday she texted me and asked if she was asking too much from me and another friend as bridesmaids because we “aren’t that close”.
Not being that close was news to me. If she truly feels she is getting married for the right reason then I didn’t want to see her settle for a wedding she doesn’t want if she can wait a year or two and have the wedding she does want. After 10 years of friendship we apparently are that close. Which is interesting, because when she had her first son 3 days before she turned 14 I was there, when he decided he would rather be a drug addict than a father we were there to help her raise her son at 14, 15, 16 years old. When she was lying to her mother so she could take the train into the city and sleep on a park bench so she could be with him, I was the one telling her mother she was with me. I am the one who takes all the nasty phone calls and texts from her fiancé accusing me of trying to get her drunk and convince her to cheat on him every single time we hang out, whether were at dinner or a yoga class. And I have never cheated on anyone ever. So if we aren’t that close then I guess I need to reevaulate my friendships and my life.
She keeps asking me if I am mad at her. I haven’t answered yet because quite honestly I don’t know what to say to that because I’m not. I’m hurt, but I know this is how she is. She has spent her entire life feeling like no one will ever care about her. She can’t accept love or friendship which is why she has stuck with this relationship. I want to be mad or hurt, but she is a very damaged person and I cant hold that against her. It’s just like, how do I handle that, do I tell her how I feel? or just let it go. I am not great at letting things go. I am not great at hiding the way I feel about anything. I don’t have any secrets, I’m not a person who is capable of keeping my own secrets.


never been loved

 I’ve been in a horrendous mood all week. I thought I was thrown off from who I ran into Sunday morning, until today when I looked at the calendar and realized my three year wedding anniversary is in three days. I definitely think about these things less but when do these days actually start getting easier? My mom makes me feel like I need to just get over it because its “the anniversary of the worst decision ive ever made”, but I don’t actually think of it like that. Maybe it was the worst decision I’ve ever made but that decision is what led me to where I am right now, which in most aspects of my life is a great place to be especially at 23 years old.

I’m pretty much done with Tim, not that im not pretty sure he doesn’t care either way. I’m starting to realize that most of the good things about him are probably just in my head and that this relationship is never going to be what I want it to be. I realized this week that every relationship ive ever had was with men who would never love me back and this situation with Tim is really no different. Its clear that he only wants me when he wants me and I need to accept that and move on. I don’t know why its so hard to accept and move on. I don’t want to waste any more of my life on another man who is never ever going to love me.

 I don’t want Tim to marry me, I don’t even know if I want to ever get married again, but it would be nice to feel like he wanted to be with me all the time instead of some of the time. It would be nice if he made it a point to be a part of my life, and it would be nice if he would make me a part of his life. We’ve been talking on and off for almost a year, figure out what you want. I made myself a lot of promises when I ended my marriage and I feel like i’m breaking those promises and getting myself back into another situation similar to my marriage.

 Every man I’ve ever been with has taken advantage of me, and I’ve wound up supporting them in some way…usually financially, but I’ve never ever been with someone who wanted to support me. I don’t need someone to support me but it would be nice if someone actually wanted to. I’m just really frustrated and sad and I don’t really know what to do about it. I’m hoping that once I get through Monday things will start to feel a little better.

 I think its getting harder for me that my three oldest friends are getting married really soon. Everyone around me is getting married and I’m starting my life over, and its not that im not happy with my life or happy for them, I really am. But I feel very left behind. I know this will get better I just pictured my life very different then it is right now.



After our text message blow out Tim started avoiding me, and though he never acknowledged the part about me knowing where we stood judging by the way he had been acting he made things pretty clear. Nothing had changed and he does not give a shit about me, I wasn’t going to take it sitting down this time, hes living in my house, putting me out of my living room and if hes hurt me he is going to know about it.

I had a particularly bad day Monday. Some trouble at work. Which hadn’t been that big a deal but it was a big deal to me. I came home to start my dishwasher which decided to wash the floor instead of the dishes, in general I was just sensitive, which I decided was the perfect time to launch my text message attack on Tim. It went a lot like this “If you had had the decency to tell me you really don’t give a shit about me it probably would have hurt a hell of a lot less then the way you’ve been acting, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen but ts not at all surprising, whatever I guess.” “Just because I don’t want to be at home and I like to go out and do shit doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around you?” “Its not about how much time you do or don’t spent in the house” “I’m sorry, im just confused I don’t know what I want, its got nothing to do with you, I’m sorry, don’t think for a minute that I don’t care about you” “if you truly cared about me you wouldn’t have such a hard time deciding whether or not this is what you want. You cant go through life using the fact that you’ve been hurt as an excuse to hurt everyone who trys to care about you, we all have our baggage and if everyone did that we would all die alone and unhappy” That one didn’t get a response, I guess there really isn’t a response to that at all.

Five days later hes back to acting the way hes always acted towards me. I’m really just done with it. I care about him but there are a lot of things about him that I don’t particularly like. Letting him live here was a mistake. Not from a living together standpoint, but from an emotional standpoint, everyone that said this was going to blow up was right. It is blowing up, not in the way I thought it would but blowing up none the less. I guess I don’t really care anymore at this point. I made myself a lot of promises when I ended my marriage, one of them being that I would never again beg someone to love me.

My ex called twice this week. Once to yell at me about the mail (incoherently). Once to ask for a copy of our divorce papers, hes trying to prove hes “disabled and homeless”. There is nothing that makes me feel more accomplished then having a conversation with him. I have an apartment, a career, friends who love me, and a family. He has a prostitute drug addict girlfriend and hes “homeless” trying to live off the state. I wouldn’t change anything that happened, but I wish I could just make the divorce official, change my number and move on. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to hear is voice, I don’t care about how hes doing and I don’t want him to care about how I’m doing. Maybe that makes me a scumbag but I guess I don’t really care.

My downstairs neighbors douchbagery is getting out of control. She literally puts entirely too much effort into being a dick. Thursday night I came home from work at 11:30 sat down to drink some tea, as soon as I moved the kitchen chair she stared banging on the ceiling., Tim was playing with the dog, more banging, we watched a movie, more banging, at 130 Tim got up to go to the bathroom, not only did she bang on the ceiling, she decided to go outside and hammer the plank that fell off the outside stairs back on. I wanted to be mad, but to be honest I was wondering when the landlord was gonna fix that, so realistically she saved me a phone call. I just couldn’t believe the effort she was going through to try to be a dick, like that is entirely too much effort to put into trying to piss someone off. Everyone in the building has collectively decided that we need to get this girl laid in the hopes that she will be less of a scumbag.


The beginning

Maybe I’m speaking too soon, but I’m beginning to feel like maybe it wasn’t a mistake to sleep with Tim. Maybe it wasn’t just about the sex. Maybe I’m just scared.
It seems like were slowly getting closer. He comes home a lot earlier, and we do a lot more together. He’s also slept in my bed every night since. Last night I didn’t offer it he came to bed on his own.
Last night we were cooking dinner and I asked him to do something and punctuated it with “I’ll be your best friend” to which he responded “you already are”. It was probably the nicest thing he’s ever said even though I’m not entirely sure what it means.
It feels like were together, but that could possibly be because I want to feel that way. Sometimes it’s hard to decipher the truth from what we want it to be. Part of me is really scared. Everything I know says this time isn’t different. But maybe it was never about us before. Maybe the timing was bad. I had just ended my marriage and his relationship had just ended.
Maybe now that the timing is better it will be different. Or maybe I’m being an idiot again. I’m trying to take it day by day and not ask many questions, or be too pushy, or give to much of myself. These are all things I’m not super good at so well see how it goes. I guess it’s a new beginning or sorts.


Rolling With it

 I have an acquaintance whose an addict in recovery. I use that term loosely because I haven’t yet reached a point within myself to be able to trust someone with an addiction is capable of recovery since my ex was “in recovery” for so long. I ran into him today and he told me he had run into my ex at  a meeting, and that he suspected my ex had been high during the meeting. He also said he had been with a girl he suspected to be my exes girlfriend, and as he described her I knew it was the ex girlfriend he had cheated on me with, and is now living with. I want to pretend it didn’t hurt like hell that he’s actually being seen in public with her but it does.

I’m still trying to hide my actions from him, trying to be sensitive of his feelings. But there he is, right in a meeting, right down the street from my bar with her. Pretending he never cheated on me, pretending he’s not living with her, pretending he misses me and pretending he regrets everything he did during our marriage. I want to pretend it doesn’t kill me but it does.

Its been almost a year since our split, and I am just now starting to slow down. I spent the first four months trying to work things out and the past five jumping from different beds to try to (as my therapist put it) “fill the holes” ( I think she meant in my heart, but really who knows). I had figured if I kept working, kept moving, kept dancing, kept fucking I would forget the way I felt but at the end of the day after every one night stand I just felt more empty.

I finally realized that while I’m not ready to have a relationship I really need a situation in which there is one regular partner who is willing to care about me. At least on a friendship level. I think I’ve finally found it. I’ve found myself in such a weird friends with benefits situation that I’m not really sure what it actually is. My friend says he’s trying to trick me into being with him. But he says he couldn’t ever be with me on a relationship level. He’s made comments about my baggage being to much for him, but he’s also eluded that he really doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. Its confusing, but I can deal with it.

 We have really intimate sex, when he shows up he kisses me like he hasn’t seen me in months, when he leaves he kisses me like hell never see me again. He makes plans to hang out outside of sex. He’s supportive when I need it. He cuddles, and kisses my forehead, and plays with my hair. Its never awkward, it all feels really natural. He’s literally like my best friend except with benefits.

Its possible that I have found the holy grail of fuck buddies and my overthinking it is going to ruin the perfect friendship and situation.  Its possible that I’m just not used to what he’s offering me. We put everything on the table, established exactly what we were, and that neither of us could see ourselves together, but when were together it feels like the total opposite.

Its not even that I want to be with him, or at least I don’t think I do, but the situation totally freaks me out. There are times I literally want to run screaming from the room naked. I could handle the one night stands because there was no intimacy, we didn’t talk, just bang and I went home.

I know I need to let myself feel, and trust, and learn to be intimate with someone again, and even if we are just friends (which again, I’m not saying I want more then that) this is a good place to start. I’ve put up so many walls that I haven’t been able to have anything more meaningful then a one night stand, where I barely let the other person kiss me or touch me and here I have to do all of that, and he comes to me so I cant just run out after its over.

I guess I need to just let things be. This isn’t my strong suit, I know it will never amount to anything, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even want it to. I know at this point in my life process it couldn’t. I don’t want to let me fear ruin my friendship with him, and the non one night stand sex is kind of nice even if it does freak me out. He and I have been friends for like seven years I don’t think there is much that can go wrong as long as I don’t let my head get in the way of things. I know I don’t need this, but as I’ve said before having someone to support me when I need it and help me when I want it with the added benefit of sex is kind of nice. I guess life really doesn’t care about what you want or what your ready for. It happens whether your ready or not with no regard for your feelings.


I try not to give to much information about my ex and my bad marriage for several reasons. I wouldn’t want him to read this and feel like all his mistakes are out in the open, I try to have enough respect for him in that sense. For the most part I don’t have many bad feelings for him, I did, for a while, but now I have reached the point where I see that him and this experience has made me a better stronger more driven person. I know what I want out of life and I know what I deserve in a partner which is something I couldn’t have known at 19 or 20 when I got married.

He struggled with addiction, which I’m not sure if he just hid really well until after we got married, If that’s when it started, or If it was always there and I just didn’t want to see it because I was 20 and in love. This was the main underlying cause of all our other issues, I knew this wasn’t him, and I thought I would go away if he got clean. I fought for this for almost two years.

Coming into this split and even still I was told many horrible stories of things going on in our marriage, mostly the same stories, just worse details. I believed everything because the stories were believable. Things we had fought about during our marriage that I suspected were going on that he denied were all coming out.

I thought I wanted to know the truth about all the shadiness and all the things I had been hearing through various grapevines but chose not to confront him because  he would just deny it, I didn’t want to fight anymore. Regardless of what he said it wouldn’t have made a difference as to how things ended. Or this is what I told myself and wanted myself to believe.

Last night we talked for the first time since we split he claims to be clean now (although who really knows because I’ve heard that before) and is in a 12 step program. As part of being clean he felt the need to come clean to me. This was something I thought I wanted, but in that conversation when all my fears were realized and everything I ever thought proved true I realized why I never confronted him. I was afraid of the answers, It was easier to be angry about speculation because it was always in the back of my head that people can lie. Now I have to face it and deal with it, and I’m honestly not sure how to do that. It hurts much more knowing whats true even though I knew these things all along.

I guess in a way I’ve in advertantly started my own 12 step program. Fix my relationships, start a career, love myself again. Ok so that’s only three steps, but more get added as I go. I’m trying to take things day by day but this really isn’t something I’m good at.

 Twelve Steps


Things I dont really understand.

I try not to say too much about my ex, I dont want to bad mouth him or be the ex who cant let go. Espically since i was the one to end it. But today he did something so unbelieveably low and shitty it just solidified everything that lead us to this point.  In trying to be nice and knowing he didnt have a place to stay I allowed him to keep his things in storage at my apartment where we had lived during our marriage. After 8 months he decides he needs to come get his things, which fine, its your stuff and quite honestly Im sick of looking at it and having it take up space at my apartment. So he shows up this morning, and with him he brings the girl he cheated on me with. Did i miss something? Where anywhere in the world is this the right thing to do? Because this hasnt been hard enough you bring one of the many reasons this is happening to my house where i so graciously kept your things for you rather then throwing them in the street or lighting them on fire like have so badly wanted to do for the past 8 months.

I have often spent nights wondering if i had made the right decision. If i had given him time would he have changed back into the person i married? Was it really all my fault? I never cheated on him, and I never caught him cheating, Lying about where he was yes, not coming home yes, everything he did led to cheating. When we split is when all the aweful things started coming out. Every person we knew that I ran into had a new story to tell and every store was worse then the story before. Divorce had never been an option to me until I finally had to wake up and see all the things I had chosen to be blind to.

He frequently asks me if im seeing someone. And even though I’m seeing many people I always tell him no because he claims to “Love me” and to “wish we could have worked things out” and I have enough respect for him to not flaunt my revolving bedroom door right in his face. Its not that I care that hes moved on because to be honest any woman that can stick around through all the bullshit he throws at her is probably a better woman then me. But have enough respect for me to not bring the woman you cheated on me with into my home when I did you a favor. Dont sit there and tell me you love me and wanted to make it work and bring that girl into our house. Infact have enough respect for me to not exist in my world as I try to not exist in yours.

My throwing him out was never about a lack of love for him. My throwing him out was about a love for myself. You can only let someone do so many terrible things before you get sick of dealing with it and just stop. I wasnt going to work 7 days a week to support him while he did every aweful thing you could do to a person and destroy my relationships with friends and family in the process. Even though I’m at a point where I hate him the person he became there is a part of me who still loves the person he used to be. Even though I know that person is never coming back, and honestly probably never existed sometimes I still find myself wishing things could have been differnt.

Today just proved everything i have thought or felt since november. He probably never did love me to begin with but if he did he definately doesnt now. I made the right decision, I did the right thing and my life will be better because of it. I hace already started to heal and move on and most importantly like myself again. But after today and after that bullshit I can now say that it wasnt me, I didn’t do anything wrong and I couldnt have done anything differently. This is just the way it was meant to be.