Forward

I am making so many changes in my life with this new year, or atleast I am trying. I was seeing a therapist for a while and while I ultimately decided that she was not a good fit for me, she said a lot of things that were completely wrong and she was very pushy about those things. She also said a lot of things that were completely right.

My ex has disappeared, he wont show up to court, he’s made it so that he can only contact me when he wants to aggravate me but I cant contact him when I want to discuss things like, why the hell wont you just let us both get this thing over with. I know the answer though, he thinks he’s punishing me in some way. He’s not…but I am afraid that the IRS will go after him soon, and that will take me down as well, not because I don’t  pay my taxes, I do but he does not and the IRS wont care how long we’ve been separated or that I can’t contact him unless he contacts me they just want their money. I’m taking these matters into my own hands. I have made it so he cannot contact me. I can’t spend any more of my life living in the shadows of this bad marriage, I’ve told my friends that I no longer want to discuss the marriage or him or what they’ve heard about him. I’ve told my mother I no longer want to discuss the effect my marriage had on her, and I’ve told my brothers that they can be angry at me for those two years but until they are in an abusive relationship and understand the control that relationship has over every aspect of your life they are not entitled to have any judgment on any decision I made. I have recovered every aspect of my life and if anyone wants to be angry about it so be it but I wont ask for their forgiveness, I don’t care what they think. Espically if they can’t understand what I went through.

I intend to do everything with in my legal right to end this marriage, but in my eyes it has been over a long time, in my eyes it was never real and I no longer have any interest in looking back or wishing I had done things differently. I am moving forward. My therapist said to live my life as if it never happened and to weed out my relationships accordingly. That is what I’m doing.

I’m applying to colleges this week, I figure its time to finish my degree. I don’t have any excuses any more and I’m not getting any younger. I need to make sure I have a back up plan. I have worked to hard to get from where I was to where I am to lose all that if something were to happen at work. I need to make sure  I have a back up plan. I need to make sure that even though I have a person to relay on if something goes wrong that I can always still support myself. I have two savings accounts my debts in repayment (slowest process in history) I have a weekly budget that I work to stay with in. My credit score has gone up 20 points.

I’ve lost 60lbs since last year. It turns out that once you get into the habit of making healthy choices everything else kind of follows. Sure I’ve had some help here. I have been seeing the medical weight loss center at my doctors office but to do this the right way and not with crash dieting is so much more satisfying than losing 10lbs in a week and putting back on 20. I still hate the gym, but its growing on me I guess.

Oh and I finally finished painting the kitchen. If anyone ever decides to paint anything red ever just listen to me and don’t. What a nightmare.

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The second marriage

When I first split up with my husband I made a lot of plans for my life. None of those plans included ever getting married again. I wanted to be a free bird. I didn’t want to be tied down again. I actually planned that in 5 years I would try to adopt or have a baby through ivf so I could start a family on my own.
Maybe that was not my most well thought out plan. Now two years later I feel much differently about marriage then I did when mine ended. I look at it very differently now that I understand what marriage is about. And I had planned to approach my next with much more caution then I had the first.
When I started dating Tim he was what I thought was going to be the person I “got under” in order to get over my ex. But that didn’t work out, and so I began the somewhat out of control spiral that became my revolving bedroom door for the next year.
When Tim moved in. I definitely still had some unresolved feelings. I maybe even let him stay here for all the wrong reasons. I still am not sure what in my mind ever though that letting him move into my house was a good idea. But here we are over a year later and it’s so much more than I ever thought it would be. It’s not perfect, I hate that he smokes weed, I wish he had more of a plan for his life, I wish he was more social and talkative, but in the broad scheme of things he is worlds better then my ex ever was and even though he may not be everything I want in a partner he really tries hard to make up for the things he may lack.
Tonight my mom told me that my dad thinks he is going to propose at Christmas. Tim is really close to my dad so if my dad thinks this will happen he probably knows best. It’s terrifying. It’s not that I don’t love Tim, or that I don’t want to marry him. It’s a lot of me being afraid. I knew he wanted to marry me. I knew his only long term plan he had for his life is to be with me. But I really thought he and I would be together for four more years before this became an option. We’ve only been together a year and I’m not even officially divorced yet. Granted I’ve been separated for two years now but it feels some what inappropriate.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid that history will repeat itself. How do I know that the marriage I had is not how marriage is. How do I know that he doesn’t just want to marry me because he can’t hide the bad parts of himself for much longer and he knows that if we get married I’ll be trapped. Before I married my ex he was great but over night he became a monster. I want to believe that things will be different the second time around but I don’t know how to be sure.
I know what I want for my life. And I know that Tim and I are on our way to having those things together. Is this fear normal? My mom had a similar marriage and divorce, she says feeling this way is normal, but I hate to say it, my parents haven’t had the greatest life together maybe her fears were a warning sign that my dad wasn’t right for her.
I want to do things right this time. And I know I love Tim, and I think he’s right for me. I just don’t know that I’m ready to get married again. My friends and my parents say that just because I say yes doesn’t mean I have to marry him right away, but that feels selfish and there’s no good way to bring up my fears without hurting him which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to hurt him or take the idea off the table I just want a couple more years of just being together before we get married. Maybe I’m thinking too much because it wasn’t like a solid this is going to happen thing my dad said. Just his thoughts.

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Growth

It’s been over a year since I filed for divorce. And I’m approaching the two year mark of the day I threw him out. It’s hard to believe how far I’ve come from those points in my life. It all feels so far behind me now that sometimes, briefly, I forget that it happened.
It’s been a year since Tim moved in. And I’ve been gone for awhile and during that time a lot of things have changed. Tim and I reached a point where we had to either really be together and make it work, or move on and not be a part of each other’s lives. So we decided to make it work. I’ve always believed that despite what you do in life all the things that are meant to happen happen regardless of whether or not you want them to or whether or not your ready.
I’m still struggling, especially when I watch all my friends getting married and having babies. I’m still starting my life over. And even though I have a great career and now a great relationship it’s still hard for me. It’s not hard not being with him, it’s mostly hard because I’m not at a point where I’m losing all my friends to marriage. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I know more than anyone that when you start your family you no longer have as much time for your friends. And I already started my family once, and It didn’t work, but I missed out on everything I could have experienced with my friends. I won’t get that back.
Tim wants to get married. Not now, but in the future. I have my doubts about this. Part of me feels like marriage is a trap, something that guys do to get you so you can’t leave and then that’s when the bad parts come out. But I see my friends marriages, and they aren’t like that, so then I feel like maybe there’s hope for me. Maybe I just feel strange about the fact that the first serious relationship after my marriage ended is a person who wants to marry me. Maybe the problem is that I’m just having such a hard time accepting that someone really loves me, and isn’t just with me to take advantage of the things I can offer them, and isn’t going to go out and sleep with everything that moves. Of course I love him which is not something I ever really thought I would feel for another person. But I can’t help but feel cautious about it. Like sometimes I feel like he doesn’t quite understand exactly what a marriage entails. I think he has a lot of growing up to do, and maybe so do I.
These are all things I’m trying to deal with. Along with all the other things I’ve gained from my marriage, like the debt. I’m finally getting in a position to be able to pay that off. Or at least start to, it’s slow, but it’s happening. At this point in my life I want more than anything to own a house, but I’m trying to learn how to be patient about things and not want or expect them to happen right this second, and not putting myself in a bad situation to obtain the things I want. Everything in time.
I’ve lost almost 50lbs since the beginning of this year. It’s a great feeling, not just because I look better. But because overall I feel better. I still have 50 more lbs to go before I reach the weight I was at before everything fell apart.
I feel like my greatest accomplishment so far is my job. It’s both a source of pride and a source of fear for me. Fear because I feel like this is my only chance to be successful and I’m terrified of screwing that up. Most days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m just flying by the seat of my pants hoping that what I’m doing is the right thing. But dam does it feel good to have a little money in savings pay my bills and still have a little but left when my next paycheck comes. It’s great to have a boss who cares about his employees. As much as my job stresses me out some days at the end of the day I really love everything about it.
I’m focusing a lot on setting goals for my life that do not involve marriage and a family. I think that was my greatest mistake. Of course I’m kind of open to these things. Obviously it’s something I want some day, but it’s not like “the dream”. I think “the dream” is to find myself in a place where I’m financially and emotionally stable.
We are still living in the hood, although I really hope to move out of it soon. The area is getting more dangerous, the neighbors are getting worse. And I’m commuting to the city part of the week to work, which is an hour to an hour and a half there and back. I have a lot of fear about leaving though. Mostly stemming from having to put Tim on a lease, and paying a higher rent. I know that as long as I stay here if Tim left tomorrow I would still be able to pay the rent without much of a struggle. But if I were living somewhere more expensive I may not be able to. I’m also afraid of putting him on a lease having things go south and not being able to get him out because “he’s on the lease” (which my ex did to me many times). Were able to save more money here as well, we both need new cars, and if my divorce is ever final, it would be nice to have some savings to buy a house when the time is right. Or even just to know that if something happens I have a cushion to take care of it which doesn’t involve asking my parents for help.

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So I have been away for a while. Trying to focus on staying on my feet. Trying to figure out if the relationship I’m in is the right situation for me. Trying to get through being a bridesmaid in three weddings while I go through my own divorce. However something totally horrifying happened to me tonight that I felt like I needed to share.
My third and final wedding is Saturday and tonight the bridal party closed down a nail salon early to get manicures and pedicures and drink mimosas. I was just in a wedding a week ago so I needed to soak my previous polish off. No sooner then she had wrapped my nails did I have to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t wait anymore and the girl at the salon said to just go with the wraps on. As you could imagine what happened next I wound up with acetone in places no one should ever have acetone. It felt exactly how it sounds like it felt.

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Debt

 I talked to a lawyer the other day about what my rights are interms of getting him to assume the debt he created in my name. At the start of this divorce I had planned to just let the marriage dissolve and deal with the debt by filing for bankruptcy. But after pulling my credit and seeing the debt im in and separating whats really mine from whats his I realize that of the 20 thousand dollars of debt im in only about 11 thousand of it is mine, and that includes my student loan and car loan if you take those out of the equation my personal debt is only about 3 thousand dollars. If I can get him to assume this debt then it would cut my debt way down and I would be able to get out of this on my own. It may take a couple years but in time it would happen and that would look more in my favor then a bankruptcy would.

 I am feeling very overwhelmed by my debt. I’m still behind on my rent and my electric bill and my home alarm. My mom is paying my car and car insurance, and I’m really barely scraping by. I’m in a better place now then I was at the beginning, because atleast I have reached a point where I can afford groceries and don’t have to scrounge for gas money. I just don’t know where to start in terms of getting my finances in order so that I can move out into a new apartment that isn’t the apartment that was my apartment with him, that wasn’t the apartment that he cheated on me every single day in while I was working 7 days a week to support him.

I’m done with the situation. I’m done with him and his lies and all the chaos hes created in my life. For a long time I thought I was doing fine with it and coming to terms with it but lately its getting harder and harder, and I don’t know if its because I am finally dealing with it or if its because of the whole shit situation with Tim.

 I tried to end it with Tim, I spent two hours writing him a letter detailing everything I feel and how the relationship doesn’t make me feel good and basically that I feel we should go our separate ways, that was exactly a week ago and since that letter he has completely changed the way he treated me. He acts like a boyfriend for the most part but yet still refuses to call me his girlfriend. I don’t know if this is something I want or trust. I don’t know if I believe that he cares about me like he says he does or if he just cares about having a place to live. Maybe part of that is me and my issues with feeling like love is a real thing, maybe its him, maybe its a combination of the two. I know I love him, but I don’t trust that he loves me. Its exhausting.

I feel like I’m stuck, like whenever I think im going to get caught up on something something happens and it pulls me back.  I’ve been putting most of my energy into into dieting and working and trying to make my life better, I went back to see my therapist. I’m trying really hard not to let my damages effect the other aspects of my life. Right now luckily I have a lot of distractions but I’m feeling more and more like I need a vacation.

I went to the gym for the first time in a year, and it felt really good, I wasn’t even in as terrible shape as I had thought I would be. It wasn’t as miserable as I thought it would be. Once I get into a routine it will be easier, and hopefully I will get back under 200 pounds before summer.

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This had been a rough weekend for me. It started when I invited Tim to a party at my sisters house. He of course was “tired”, I attributed this to the fact that he had been sleeping on a couch for the past three months and even though I had already told him once that when he was ready to move into the bedroom there would be a spot with him I thought now would be a good time to bring it up again. I was basically met with the same response…which pretty much was no. At this point I’m starting to give up on the hope of this becoming any sort of real relationship. At this point we started talking almost a year ago, and even though its been off and on he should be able to figure out by now what he wants this to become. I have said all along that I shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to be with me, if they truly cared they would know and it would be and it wouldn’t be complicated. If he actually wanted something real he would have done it by now. This isn’t anything new, I’m just frustrated and lonely and it doesn’t hurt or suck any less just because I expected it. This is how its been in every relationship vie ever had. I just need to figure out how to break this cycle.
Last night coming him at 3 am I ran into someone who I had honestly hoped I would never see again. There are few people I wish terrible things on in life but hes honestly one of them. Threes a bit of a back story to this…. About three years ago, after my husband and I had been living in our apartment for almost a year, and my husband had started getting heavily into drugs a guy moved into our apartment. At first he seemed like a great guy, he was charming, a lot of fun, we all became fast friends. At first he seemed harmless, he would turn out to be the person who (supposedly) turned my husband on to heroin. He is the person who helped my husband and “best friend” set my apartment up to get robbed. He helped my husband steal everything I own, and as if that wasn’t enough he used to try to put us against each other and create all sorts of issues that didn’t exist.
He had been living in our building on daddy’s dime, and when that money ran out he started trying to weasel his way into our apartment (of course with the help of my darling husband) I when I was finally able to get him out of my house I was more than happy to see him gone (and so was everyone else in the building, and the landlord). When he left he decided that he was going to use our shared basement to store all his furniture that he couldn’t take with him since he had no where to go and in the 8 months following he returned once to get his bed…oh and to steal a third television from my living room (I could swear at this point that he had a key to my apartment). At this point I was furious, He had left two dressers and an entertainment center in the basement, and since I spoke to my landlord about the supposed “permission he had been given to store his things there” that was never actually given to him all the (beautiful) furniture was going to be thrown away and since I was going to be stuck paying for this TV he stole even though it had been stolen (the TV was from rentacenter and the “insurance” you get actually covers nothing) I decided I was going to take what I wanted before it was thrown away. He some how got wind of this about three months later and long story short the police had to get involved. Lets just say I don’t easily give up on what I believe in, and in this case I believed in recouping the three TV’s one laptop one i phone one electric fire place one gps one air conditioner and hundreds of dollars he had stolen from me in the form of three beautiful pieces of furniture.
This may not have been my smartest move ever, because he is a violent despicable human being and I have basically been living in fear of what he would possibly do to try to get back at me, or what would happen if we were to ever run into each other. I met this fear at three am, when I came home from my sisters house and he was leaving one of the houses on the street. I was literally terrified, he had clearly seen me. I actually think he saw me park and was waiting for me to get out of my car. I was extremely lucky because right as I was trying to decide whether I should run the police drove down my street which gave me exactly enough time to get into my apartment. I knew this was something I would eventually have to deal with, I just don’t know how to deal with it now that he knows for a fact that I am still living in the same apartment. Just when I had started to get comfortable.
The same applies to my exhusband, I hadn’t heard from him since Christmas day. I had started to get comfortable with the idea that I would hopefully never see or hear from him again, until last night when he called me to tell me he wasn’t going to give me anymore trouble about filing for divorce. This may possibly be the best thing hes said or done our entire lives together.
Lastly, I started my diet four days ago, so far all four days I’ve gone over my calories, two of those days I went over them in a big huge way…I’m frustrated and hungry how ever I have reached a point where I am having trouble finding jeans that fit so something really needs to be done. I cant help but be beating myself over letting myself get this way. I had worked so hard for so long to take all this weight off and now I’ve put it all back on and that is a really hard pill to swallow. For the most part I try really hard to love myself as I am, but its getting harder.

Old Habits

Aside

Things I should probably do this year

  Last year I spent new years eve sitting alone at the bar I was working at feeling like my world was ending. At this point I was still trying to work things out with my husband and he had promised to spend new years eve with me then blew me off last minute because “he wanted to be alone”. At this point I knew he was blowing me off for one of the many girls he was cheating on me with, and I had started to reach a point where I really needed to admit it to myself. Despite all of this my new years resolution had been to work things out with him and save my marriage, and to get a better job, one that I could build a career off of.

 In a lot of ways I did both of those things. I finally worked out the fact that I would never be able to work things out with my ex husband, and I did infact start a job that help me gain the experience I needed to land the job I have now, which is not only the best paying job I’ve ever had, its a job that makes me feel good about myself, my life, and the direction that my life is going on.

 This new years ever started out a little rocky. I had invited Tim to go to the party I was going to but ” he already had plans” and opted to stick with those rather then going out with me and my friends. I was pretty upset about this, partly because I haven’t yet been able to let go of the things my ex had done to me and partly because I am still not entirely sure about the direction of our relationship. Despite being frustrated I still put on my tiara and dubbed myself the queen of 2014. I danced, played some drinking games, and rang in the new year with a great new group of friends. I had anticipated not seeing Tim but he was at home waiting for me when I finally made it home.

There are still some changes that need to be made this year. There are still somethings I should be doing that I’m not, things I need to figure out, things I need to let go of. I guess a lot of it is easier said then done.

First, I need to lose weight. When I met my husband I had finally been down to my goal pants size which was a size 13, when I met him I was down to 165 lbs, which was still overweight for my height but it was down almost 100 pounds from where I had started as a junior in highschool when I first started trying to loose weight. It took me 3 years of yoyo dieting to get there but I finally made it to where I wanted to be and I had done it in a healthy way. Unfortuantely I am an emotional eater, and I cant blame him entirely but with all the stress anxiety and depression he brought into my life I have as of today put all that weight back on. It really started to hit me when I bought my maid of honor dress for my best friends wedding and had to buy a size 26. Four years ago I bought a dress for  another wedding in a size 13. Of course its not all about the size of a dress, its mostly about the way I feel, and right now I don’t feel healthy… AT ALL. I feel sick all the time, I feel nauseous and bloated and I’m constantly in pain. I have Fibromyalgia and all the extra weight I’m carrying isn’t helping that situation at all either. I start my diet tomorrow. And hopefully I will be able to do it successfully. I have considered going the surgical route but I am not entirely sure that that route is the right route for me.

Next I need to figure out what is going on between Tim and I, on my end and on his. What we have is good, but weve been “talking” off and on for a year and I want a relationship where I feel secure, if this isn’t going to be it then I need to move on. I don’t expect him to marry me, all I expect is for him to commit to this…and maybe move into the bed room. We can take everything else from there.

Do more things out side of my comfort zone. I have a hard time with this and it has held me back a lot in life, this held me back in starting my career and its held me back socially. There have been so many things I’ve opted out of because I didn’t know people well enough and I know I’ve missed out on a lot. I don’t want to do that anymore, considering with this divorce I have basically been given a second chance at a real life I need to take the opportunity to do so and do something with it.

Get my divorce finalized, I really need to do this in order to be able to move on with my life. Hes put me in such a financial hole that I need to file for bankruptcy to get my self out of it, I don’t really have any other option. Once the divorce is final I can finally change my number and officially be away from him and all his craziness… and maybe I can actually start to let go of everything that’s happened.

 Learn to let go, sure I have forgiven him, and pretty much everyone else involved but I still haven’t been able to let go of everything that happened and everything I’ve been through in the past 3 years. I want nothing more than to put him, this marriage, and all the abuse, cheating, and lies in the past and never look back.

 I am excited for the year to come and the opportunities I have been given. Its time to make 2014 my bitch.

 

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