Forward

I am making so many changes in my life with this new year, or atleast I am trying. I was seeing a therapist for a while and while I ultimately decided that she was not a good fit for me, she said a lot of things that were completely wrong and she was very pushy about those things. She also said a lot of things that were completely right.

My ex has disappeared, he wont show up to court, he’s made it so that he can only contact me when he wants to aggravate me but I cant contact him when I want to discuss things like, why the hell wont you just let us both get this thing over with. I know the answer though, he thinks he’s punishing me in some way. He’s not…but I am afraid that the IRS will go after him soon, and that will take me down as well, not because I don’t  pay my taxes, I do but he does not and the IRS wont care how long we’ve been separated or that I can’t contact him unless he contacts me they just want their money. I’m taking these matters into my own hands. I have made it so he cannot contact me. I can’t spend any more of my life living in the shadows of this bad marriage, I’ve told my friends that I no longer want to discuss the marriage or him or what they’ve heard about him. I’ve told my mother I no longer want to discuss the effect my marriage had on her, and I’ve told my brothers that they can be angry at me for those two years but until they are in an abusive relationship and understand the control that relationship has over every aspect of your life they are not entitled to have any judgment on any decision I made. I have recovered every aspect of my life and if anyone wants to be angry about it so be it but I wont ask for their forgiveness, I don’t care what they think. Espically if they can’t understand what I went through.

I intend to do everything with in my legal right to end this marriage, but in my eyes it has been over a long time, in my eyes it was never real and I no longer have any interest in looking back or wishing I had done things differently. I am moving forward. My therapist said to live my life as if it never happened and to weed out my relationships accordingly. That is what I’m doing.

I’m applying to colleges this week, I figure its time to finish my degree. I don’t have any excuses any more and I’m not getting any younger. I need to make sure I have a back up plan. I have worked to hard to get from where I was to where I am to lose all that if something were to happen at work. I need to make sure  I have a back up plan. I need to make sure that even though I have a person to relay on if something goes wrong that I can always still support myself. I have two savings accounts my debts in repayment (slowest process in history) I have a weekly budget that I work to stay with in. My credit score has gone up 20 points.

I’ve lost 60lbs since last year. It turns out that once you get into the habit of making healthy choices everything else kind of follows. Sure I’ve had some help here. I have been seeing the medical weight loss center at my doctors office but to do this the right way and not with crash dieting is so much more satisfying than losing 10lbs in a week and putting back on 20. I still hate the gym, but its growing on me I guess.

Oh and I finally finished painting the kitchen. If anyone ever decides to paint anything red ever just listen to me and don’t. What a nightmare.

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Debt

 I talked to a lawyer the other day about what my rights are interms of getting him to assume the debt he created in my name. At the start of this divorce I had planned to just let the marriage dissolve and deal with the debt by filing for bankruptcy. But after pulling my credit and seeing the debt im in and separating whats really mine from whats his I realize that of the 20 thousand dollars of debt im in only about 11 thousand of it is mine, and that includes my student loan and car loan if you take those out of the equation my personal debt is only about 3 thousand dollars. If I can get him to assume this debt then it would cut my debt way down and I would be able to get out of this on my own. It may take a couple years but in time it would happen and that would look more in my favor then a bankruptcy would.

 I am feeling very overwhelmed by my debt. I’m still behind on my rent and my electric bill and my home alarm. My mom is paying my car and car insurance, and I’m really barely scraping by. I’m in a better place now then I was at the beginning, because atleast I have reached a point where I can afford groceries and don’t have to scrounge for gas money. I just don’t know where to start in terms of getting my finances in order so that I can move out into a new apartment that isn’t the apartment that was my apartment with him, that wasn’t the apartment that he cheated on me every single day in while I was working 7 days a week to support him.

I’m done with the situation. I’m done with him and his lies and all the chaos hes created in my life. For a long time I thought I was doing fine with it and coming to terms with it but lately its getting harder and harder, and I don’t know if its because I am finally dealing with it or if its because of the whole shit situation with Tim.

 I tried to end it with Tim, I spent two hours writing him a letter detailing everything I feel and how the relationship doesn’t make me feel good and basically that I feel we should go our separate ways, that was exactly a week ago and since that letter he has completely changed the way he treated me. He acts like a boyfriend for the most part but yet still refuses to call me his girlfriend. I don’t know if this is something I want or trust. I don’t know if I believe that he cares about me like he says he does or if he just cares about having a place to live. Maybe part of that is me and my issues with feeling like love is a real thing, maybe its him, maybe its a combination of the two. I know I love him, but I don’t trust that he loves me. Its exhausting.

I feel like I’m stuck, like whenever I think im going to get caught up on something something happens and it pulls me back.  I’ve been putting most of my energy into into dieting and working and trying to make my life better, I went back to see my therapist. I’m trying really hard not to let my damages effect the other aspects of my life. Right now luckily I have a lot of distractions but I’m feeling more and more like I need a vacation.

I went to the gym for the first time in a year, and it felt really good, I wasn’t even in as terrible shape as I had thought I would be. It wasn’t as miserable as I thought it would be. Once I get into a routine it will be easier, and hopefully I will get back under 200 pounds before summer.

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Ten Pounds

 Last night I came home to a letter in my mailbox from my therapist. Oddly enough it couldn’t have come at a better time because lately I have been feeling particularly weak. The 13 would have been my three year wedding anniversary it was also the day my not yet ex husband proposed to one of the girls he cheated on me with, the day I found out about it, and the day everyone he knew called me to tell me how ridiculous the situation is. All his friends were on my side of the divorce… not that I had ever asked them to be, but they saw him for what he was long before I ever did. The 13 was also four days after my not yet ex broke into my car and one week after the last pathetic phone call asking me to take him back.

 I have long considering going back to my therapist since slowly things have started to creep back on me. I haven’t been feeling happy, I’ve actually been feeling like my life is very out of my control. All I want to do is sit in my bed and cuddle with my dog. I’ve really actually ended things with Tim. The end came on Wednesday when one of our coworkers basically pulled me aside and informed me that he was basically making me look like a joke, that everyone knew we were living together and that judging by the fact that he took almost all of his shifts off from work he probably wasn’t paying much in rent. I need to start sticking up for my self and remembering the promises I made myself when I ended my marriage. I am not going to put myself in another situation like I was with another guy who doesn’t love me. I’m hurt, its hard to pretend i’m not, Its hard to live with a person who pretends to care about you but doesn’t. I’ve been hinting that I want him to leave… I’m working on reaching a point where I can actually tell him I want him to leave. I think I need to quit the bar.

 I’ve been trying to take control of my life in other ways. I’ve been on a diet since new years and I’ve managed to lose 10lbs. I’m loosing weight at a much slower rate than im used to, but I guess in the past I also wasn’t eating, so I’m doing it in a much healthier way this time so even thought im not getting the results as fast as I would like to I am still feeling better than I was. Of course one of my coworkers has taken it upon her self to be my “motivator” by which I mean, making nasty comments about everything I eat to the point that it makes everyone else in the office uncomfortable. I’ve told her multiple times that its not helpful but it seems the more I tell her its not helpful kind of the meaner she gets. I’m trying to learn to ignore it.

 I pulled my credit report, to try and figure out where my debt is and what to do about it. It actually isn’t as bad as I thought it was. I mean its still pretty bad… (over 20,000 dollars) but atleast I know where to start in terms of figuring out how to catch up on it. and I’m one months rent and 400 dollars away from being caught up on my rent, and then I can work on catching up. My one year goal is to be close to out of debt, and out of the hood. This apartment has been good to me but its time to move on.

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