Where do we go from here

I am beginning to think that as a rule my life is just a continuous series of things constantly going wrong. It seems like every plan I make or every time I think things are falling into place the bottom drops out and everything starts spiraling out of control and I apparently have no coping skills.
I have been making plans to start college in the fall. I applied, spoke with an advisor, spoke with someone in admissions, sent them all the paperwork I needed, and got approved for financial aid. When I spoke with the person in admissions we discussed my situation, I have been out of school for eight years, had a couple of unsuccessful attempts at school due to situational things, and discussed what my options were. I was told that because of the amount of time I had been out of school my grades wouldn’t be a factor in the decision, that I was considered a “non conventional student” and once I completed the application and sent in my paperwork that I would be all set because all non conventional students were accepted and I could register for classes once the fall semester was posted.
Thursday I got my rejection letter. Which would have been ok, if I had a back up plan, which I didn’t think I needed because I was told I was already in. It would have been ok, if I didn’t need letters of recommendation from my bosses, or if everyone I worked with didn’t know I was starting school in September. And now I don’t know how to tell them that I didn’t get accepted after all or that I wont be starting school in September. I was obviously super upset about it, and I didn’t get much support from my boyfriend. He basically just acted like me being upset was inconvenient, which in turn made me more upset.
I don’t know what his deal is. I’ve been having a tough time, I’m stretching myself really thin trying to make our lives and our future better and I don’t feel like I am getting much if any support from him which is really frustrating. It’s like he’s just fine with how things are, and I am really not. I just don’t know where things are going anymore. There was a time where I thought there was a future in this relationship, but I am starting to feel like that less and less. I just feel like he has a lot of growing up to do and issues to deal with and he just isn’t, and that makes me crazy, because I don’t want to mommy him or bully him into doing things, I still love him, but I cant spend my life watching him play video games, or going to everything by myself or making excuses to not go to things because he has social issues.
I think I just need a vacation from everything, its been a frustrating start to the new year all around and every time I turn around its something else. I was running errands last night and when I went out to my car someone had hit it in the parking lot, left a huge scratch and no note. I am not the type of person who is like crazy over their car, but seriously the scratch is this huge white scratch along almost my whole passenger side and part of my back bumper is detached. How can you do damage to someone’s car like that and just leave? That so rude! They had to have known they did some serious damage.
I did lose 6 pounds this week though. I feel pretty good about that, I’ve been getting up and going to the gym before work and I’m actually kind of loving it, I feel so much more energized and my work out is like already over and I don’t have to worry about finding the motivation or making the time to get it done after work. So that’s kind of great.
I am trying to decide if getting rejected by that college is a sign that this is not the best time to try to go back to school, or if I should just try to get into the community college and start from there. I just really don’t know where to go from there.

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its cold

Its been the worst winter in the history of the city I live in. Over the course of three weeks we received over 111 inches of snow. Seriously…111 inches of snow, and this morning I woke up and it was -11 degrees. I am not a big fan of winter or snow or anything that has to do with being cold to begin with, so I am not sure what in my right mind ever made me sign a lease that says my landlord doesn’t shovel or live in a place with no onsite parking. I guess to be honest in the five years I’ve been in this apartment this year has been the first time it’s ever been an issue but between not having any place to put the snow and having to leave my car a half hour away and relay on rides to get to and from work I’ve decided that I was going to start looking to buy a condo. I can do two more winters in this place but that’s about where I draw the line. I could move to another apartment but it wouldn’t make sense to move to another place with a higher rent that would make it more difficult to save money, and its unlikely that I would find a place with a driveway and a landlord that shovels for under 1000 dollars a month which until recently is what I thought I would be paying on the mortgage of a condo.

I had initially planned to save money with my boyfriend, and buy a condo in the town where I grew up because its close to my parents close to one of my offices and close to the college where I will be taking classes starting in September. I thought long and hard about this and realized that I was really unsure about buying a house with someone I wasn’t more committed to… its not that I’m not committed to it though sometimes I have my doubts, I just don’t think its wise to buy a house with someone who I’m not married to, marriage is not in my three year plan, and I am not about to get screwed. So I decided I was going to save on my own and buy the condo on my own and he could live in it and pay rent in it and if we were to get married we would buy a house and keep the condo as rental income. I’m not sure how I’m going to have that conversation with him, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

My friends all got married over the summer and have either bought houses or are in the process of buying a house so I started asking questions about what I should do. They told me to get prequalified and to start looking at things within that pricerange that way I know what I have to work with. So first I started looking at condos in the town I wanted to live in. It turns out that whole houses actually cost less than condos do, probably because condos shovel…that’s sort of the reason behind wanting a condo to begin with. So I started looking in the 230,000 price range figuring that’s like the median of what people wind up with and I found a house, a whole house, and I loved it literally like fell in love with it. SO then I decided to see what I would be approved for. that was $106,000. turns out that will buy me a trailer… not even a nice one. Personally I sort of don’t understand the point of buying a trailer, so you buy a trailer, but then you have to pay rent on the land, and then ive heard (but I don’t know if its true) that utility companies charge you more because its not “a permanent residence”. And on top of everything your paying out if something breaks on it you have to pay to fix that. At that rate I’ll just stay in my 700 dollar a month apartment in the ghetto and not pay to fix the broken stuff. Not only will I only be approved for $106,000 but I would need a $20,000 down payment. Do real people even save that much money in real life? The most money I’ve ever seen in my bank account was after this years tax return, and that was a grand.

Needless to say I will need to work really hard to improve my credit and save if it I want to do this. I showed my boyfriend the house I really love who says we could make it work if we bought it and his best friend moved in, which as much as I like his friend… hell no. Saturday afternoon he came over and the two of them  sat in my room playing ps4 and making words up. For a minute I honestly thought I was babysitting instead of hanging out with two grown men. Is that like a normal thing? because honestly it was a little concerning.

I love my boyfriend but sometimes I worry that we aren’t on the same path. I have plans for my life, I am going back to school and trying to buy a house  and working towards the goals I had for myself before the bottom fell out of my life. I work really really hard but sometimes I feel like he sort of just shows up to life. It seems like his only real goal is to be with me, and I even sort of feel like he just shows up to the relationship. I worry that hes only with me because he doesn’t want to be alone. But them I also wonder if these things are all just in my head as a residual side effect of the past. I also don’t think he wants kids. I think he pretends that he will want them “some day” because he knows its a deal breaker. Having kids is going to be really hard for me, maybe even impossible but I need to know that the person I’m with is going to want this as much as I do when that time comes.

This winters kicking my ass. When I can have my car at my apartment its like so hard to find the motivation to do anything. I haven’t been to the gym sine like November, I haven’t gone to yoga either. I’m so unbelievably over it and ready for summer. I need to get back on track with my diet. I have an appointment with my nutritionist tomorrow morning so I obviously decided tonight was the night to eat chicken fingers and onion rings. I was doing so well and now that im more than halfway to my goal weight its so hard to find the motivation to get back on track. I know its not just a temporary change that I need to make permanent changes to get the weight off and keep it off but wouldn’t it be so much better if we could all wake up healthy?

As for this winter. I blame the farmers almanac.  I am pretty sure it said we were going to have the worst winter ever and at 111″ I think there right.

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Forward

I am making so many changes in my life with this new year, or atleast I am trying. I was seeing a therapist for a while and while I ultimately decided that she was not a good fit for me, she said a lot of things that were completely wrong and she was very pushy about those things. She also said a lot of things that were completely right.

My ex has disappeared, he wont show up to court, he’s made it so that he can only contact me when he wants to aggravate me but I cant contact him when I want to discuss things like, why the hell wont you just let us both get this thing over with. I know the answer though, he thinks he’s punishing me in some way. He’s not…but I am afraid that the IRS will go after him soon, and that will take me down as well, not because I don’t  pay my taxes, I do but he does not and the IRS wont care how long we’ve been separated or that I can’t contact him unless he contacts me they just want their money. I’m taking these matters into my own hands. I have made it so he cannot contact me. I can’t spend any more of my life living in the shadows of this bad marriage, I’ve told my friends that I no longer want to discuss the marriage or him or what they’ve heard about him. I’ve told my mother I no longer want to discuss the effect my marriage had on her, and I’ve told my brothers that they can be angry at me for those two years but until they are in an abusive relationship and understand the control that relationship has over every aspect of your life they are not entitled to have any judgment on any decision I made. I have recovered every aspect of my life and if anyone wants to be angry about it so be it but I wont ask for their forgiveness, I don’t care what they think. Espically if they can’t understand what I went through.

I intend to do everything with in my legal right to end this marriage, but in my eyes it has been over a long time, in my eyes it was never real and I no longer have any interest in looking back or wishing I had done things differently. I am moving forward. My therapist said to live my life as if it never happened and to weed out my relationships accordingly. That is what I’m doing.

I’m applying to colleges this week, I figure its time to finish my degree. I don’t have any excuses any more and I’m not getting any younger. I need to make sure I have a back up plan. I have worked to hard to get from where I was to where I am to lose all that if something were to happen at work. I need to make sure  I have a back up plan. I need to make sure that even though I have a person to relay on if something goes wrong that I can always still support myself. I have two savings accounts my debts in repayment (slowest process in history) I have a weekly budget that I work to stay with in. My credit score has gone up 20 points.

I’ve lost 60lbs since last year. It turns out that once you get into the habit of making healthy choices everything else kind of follows. Sure I’ve had some help here. I have been seeing the medical weight loss center at my doctors office but to do this the right way and not with crash dieting is so much more satisfying than losing 10lbs in a week and putting back on 20. I still hate the gym, but its growing on me I guess.

Oh and I finally finished painting the kitchen. If anyone ever decides to paint anything red ever just listen to me and don’t. What a nightmare.

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The biggest thing my ex did for me was teach me exactly what I didn’t want out of life. Sure, I briefly spirled into his drug use thinking that if I did it with him it wouldn’t bother me as much. I was 20, I would like to say I didn’t know any better but I did. Fortunately I was able to pull myself out of that thought process before it became a serious issue. His drug addiction literally destroyed my life. I kept wanting to believe it would go away, or that we could work through it. We couldn’t, and it didn’t.

I wasn’t lying when I said that during our two year marriage he never once paid even the equivalent to one months rent, or even the equivalent of an electric bill. Infact we separated twice and I wound up having to pay the rent even for the time I didn’t live there. He stole from me, even robbed our house to pay for his addiction.

I always knew this wasn’t a life I wanted, I never ever would have pictured myself in this situation, but it happened and now here I am. Two and a half years later trying to dig myself out. We spent a year and a half on food stamps, barely scraping by on the 250 a month we were given and that’s if I could hide the card in a place well enough that he couldn’t find it to trade them for drugs or whatever else he was trading them for. You can judge a person on food stamps all you want, but trust me they don’t go far, and I was thankful for every single thing they gave us. At that time I was lucky to afford toilet paper let alone a weeks worth of groceries.

Currently I work three jobs, and that is just to afford the basics, I don’t have cable, my internet is paid for by my boss so on occasion I can work from home, and my rent is never ever on time. I am lucky to have a good enough relationship with my landlord that she has worked with me to catch up if I fall behind. I am buried in debt. Some of it my own doing but a lot of it was his. When get married its supposed to be a team effort, two people working towards one goal one life one family but for me that never happened.

I have a big interview Monday, for a job with a boss who has realistic expectations, that pays well, that will perhaps put an end to my need to work three jobs, or atleast that will allow me to start getting ahead while I work three jobs. I am determined to make something out of myself because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life struggling. The struggle today is very different then the struggle a year ago but I promised myself I would never again have to show up at family Christmas empty handed.

The full time job I have now took me six months to find. Trying to find a full time job with minimal experience and no college degree is tough. No one takes you seriously and I honestly cant blame them. Realistically I know that the chances of me bagging this first interview are slim but I am far more confidant in what I bring to  the table now than I was when I first started out. I have learned so much in the job I have and for that I will always be thankful. Taking this interview is bittersweet but I know where I want to be in life, and I know what I have to do to get there.

On top of working three jobs I am also working to get back into college, I have screwed that up way to many times to count but I am hoping that having all the drama out of my life and the maturity that came with the changes I have made will help me to succeed this time. My biggest regret in life is not sticking with college, or figuring out what I wanted to do earlier on. Maybe everything could have been avoided.

In a completely unrelated matter “Tim” the guy I dated from one of the restaurants I work at is now coming to work at my bar full time (I work here almost full time on top of my full time job). I am not super excited about this considering things between us have been over since may and he has recently started spreading rumors about me. Coming from a guy who didn’t even have the balls to tell me he was going back to his ex that is pretty interesting. You would think he would have at least had the decency to stay at the other restaurant where we would only have to see each other 1 day a week maybe. Now I have to look at him 5 days a week. I couldn’t be more excited. Except that I’m not. Fortunately for me unlike him I’m an adult and can keep the way I feel to myself. So this may be interesting especially since I’ve spent the past week clearing up the fact that I didn’t let him put anything in my butt. So thanks buddy, I appreciate that, especially since it isn’t true. I guess I probably wouldn’t care so much if he was telling the truth about anything, but the stuff he’s saying is just so outlandish that I cant even believe anyone actually believes it. The moral of that story is don’t ever date anyone you work with…ever.

Work

Aside