Rolling With it

 I have an acquaintance whose an addict in recovery. I use that term loosely because I haven’t yet reached a point within myself to be able to trust someone with an addiction is capable of recovery since my ex was “in recovery” for so long. I ran into him today and he told me he had run into my ex at  a meeting, and that he suspected my ex had been high during the meeting. He also said he had been with a girl he suspected to be my exes girlfriend, and as he described her I knew it was the ex girlfriend he had cheated on me with, and is now living with. I want to pretend it didn’t hurt like hell that he’s actually being seen in public with her but it does.

I’m still trying to hide my actions from him, trying to be sensitive of his feelings. But there he is, right in a meeting, right down the street from my bar with her. Pretending he never cheated on me, pretending he’s not living with her, pretending he misses me and pretending he regrets everything he did during our marriage. I want to pretend it doesn’t kill me but it does.

Its been almost a year since our split, and I am just now starting to slow down. I spent the first four months trying to work things out and the past five jumping from different beds to try to (as my therapist put it) “fill the holes” ( I think she meant in my heart, but really who knows). I had figured if I kept working, kept moving, kept dancing, kept fucking I would forget the way I felt but at the end of the day after every one night stand I just felt more empty.

I finally realized that while I’m not ready to have a relationship I really need a situation in which there is one regular partner who is willing to care about me. At least on a friendship level. I think I’ve finally found it. I’ve found myself in such a weird friends with benefits situation that I’m not really sure what it actually is. My friend says he’s trying to trick me into being with him. But he says he couldn’t ever be with me on a relationship level. He’s made comments about my baggage being to much for him, but he’s also eluded that he really doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. Its confusing, but I can deal with it.

 We have really intimate sex, when he shows up he kisses me like he hasn’t seen me in months, when he leaves he kisses me like hell never see me again. He makes plans to hang out outside of sex. He’s supportive when I need it. He cuddles, and kisses my forehead, and plays with my hair. Its never awkward, it all feels really natural. He’s literally like my best friend except with benefits.

Its possible that I have found the holy grail of fuck buddies and my overthinking it is going to ruin the perfect friendship and situation.  Its possible that I’m just not used to what he’s offering me. We put everything on the table, established exactly what we were, and that neither of us could see ourselves together, but when were together it feels like the total opposite.

Its not even that I want to be with him, or at least I don’t think I do, but the situation totally freaks me out. There are times I literally want to run screaming from the room naked. I could handle the one night stands because there was no intimacy, we didn’t talk, just bang and I went home.

I know I need to let myself feel, and trust, and learn to be intimate with someone again, and even if we are just friends (which again, I’m not saying I want more then that) this is a good place to start. I’ve put up so many walls that I haven’t been able to have anything more meaningful then a one night stand, where I barely let the other person kiss me or touch me and here I have to do all of that, and he comes to me so I cant just run out after its over.

I guess I need to just let things be. This isn’t my strong suit, I know it will never amount to anything, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even want it to. I know at this point in my life process it couldn’t. I don’t want to let me fear ruin my friendship with him, and the non one night stand sex is kind of nice even if it does freak me out. He and I have been friends for like seven years I don’t think there is much that can go wrong as long as I don’t let my head get in the way of things. I know I don’t need this, but as I’ve said before having someone to support me when I need it and help me when I want it with the added benefit of sex is kind of nice. I guess life really doesn’t care about what you want or what your ready for. It happens whether your ready or not with no regard for your feelings.

Its been a weird week.

Its been kind of an interesting week. Monday I accidently hooked up with an 18 year old boy. I had met him through a friend, who was older then me. I just assumed he was my friends age. Yes I know you should probably find out how old someone is before you let them in your pants, but the idea that he would be five years younger then me was one that never crossed my mind. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m just looking for someone to fill the void when I get lonely who wont get attached or crazy who leaves when its over. He was cute, and up for it. I figured it would be a good time, for the record, it wasn’t. Later that night I was looking at his facebook, sophomore semi 2011, so I asked. The response “almost 19”. I had figured at this point the damage was done and I wasn’t gonna end it now. Turns out he couldn’t handle that type of situation.

It seems to me that no matter what you offer a man they get scared. If you offer them a relationship they run. If you offer them a steady sexual relationship with no emotion and no need to call for anything other, they run. Its like a no win situation no matter what you do. Maybe its just the men I meet, maybe I need to start looking outside of the people I know. One thing I have learned for sure, find out how old someone is before you put them in your mouth.

People are starting to judge me for my life. Its become very sex and the cityesque. Full of parties and laughter and one night stands. I think I have allowed myself this luxury. I work three jobs, maintain an apartment on my own, and I missed out on experiencing the things you experience at 21. I’m only 23, and I give zero fucks about what anyone thinks of my life right now. I’m smart, I have a successful career, My own apartment, and I am working on getting back into college to get my degree. I’m not opposed to a real relationship when the time is right and the man is right, but the time is not right now and none of the men have been right.

Friday night I went to the city and celebrated my 10 year friendaversary with an old friend from middleschool and her sister. She is one of those friends who even though I you can go a long time with out seeing them, when you do actually see them its like no time has passed at all. It sounds cliché but its the actual truth.  by the way, nothing makes your license picture look worse then when they scan your ID at the door and the computer seperates your picture from your actual license, seriously look at it next time.

I got home at 2 am, had every intention of sleeping in, however at 7:30 Saturday morning someone decided to stand in my yard and laugh loudly, this pissed off my dog who I’m pretty sure woke my entire building up. I really would love to know what was so funny at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, but I live in the ghetto, and sometimes its better not to ask. Lets be realistic nothing is funny at 7:30 any morning, espically on a Saturday morning. I couldn’t fall asleep again so I had a friend and her daughter meet me for breakfast at the bar I work at. I had gotten some gift certificates so we also went to the mall. The day started off good, until I had to go to work.

I had picked up a Saturday night shift at the restaurant I work at in exchange for Friday night off. I did this knowing full well that I would be working with the guy I dated right after I filed for divorce who I recently found out has been talking shit about me. I knew it would be awkward, so I took the high road and ignored his existence, I was doing a good job of this. I had brought my super cute outfit to change into before I left work and talked super highly about another guy ive been hanging around with. Next thing I know the “best friend” who ran into my husband at a bar and told him everything I had found out about what he had been doing during our marriage walks in. I was furious, literally fuming. I knew she had come in to cause that reaction because she loves drama and before my ex and I officially called it quits and we were “working on things”  she continuously tried to get me to go to his work and watch him. She had also posted several things on facebook since I bid her farewell pertaining to me being a “selfish crazy bitch who only cares about myself”. She expected me to have some sort of negative reaction. I didn’t, I honestly try to keep things pretty classy in the way I deal with people who have screwed me over or who I just in general don’t like. Ive learned that if you react you are letting them win and I am not about to let her win. She left disappointed.

So I change my clothes, let the kid I dated see how fab I look and say good bye to my coworkers, My exes friend walks into my bar. Of course we are still talking about my latest conquest and he hears, asks if im still with my ex. I tell him we are divorced and he tells me how happy he is for me, how much more successful in life I will be and basically what scum my ex is. Again I keep it classy offer no information and thank him for his kind works. Considering my ex made it a point to try to make me look like scum to all his friends this was a big surprise.

Today I spent some time with my neighbor to meet her new baby girl. Aparently my ex came here a couple weeks ago while I wasn’t home and knocked on the door. She also told me about even more girls he had cheated on me with and had in my apartment. I know it shouldn’t come as a surprise, and I know it shouldn’t bother me but it does. At this point I am just happy its over with, I wish it would really be over with and that I didn’t have to hear about it or live it anymore. I am beginning to consider what it would be like to move away somewhere just to get away. Not really to escape but more to try to build a new life where no one knows me or what went down.

The Celebration

I had a very small very unfancy very quick wedding. We had just lost our baby when we got engaged and in my 20 year old mind all I saw was the desire to be his wife and ultimately try for another baby. Our pregnancy was unplanned and at the time I was not aware of the infertility issues I would face in our marriage. Losing our child was incredibly tramatic.

I didn’t have a bridal shower, a batchelerette party, in fact I had the flu on our wedding day. I remember overhearing his mother tell him “you don’t have to marry her just because shes pregnant”. No one had even known I had been pregnant at any time or what it was like to lose my first child at 8 weeks at 20 years old. All of this should have been a sign of things to come. But I was 20 and stupid and in love and nothing anyone said would have changed the way I felt at the time.

We had several splits during our marriage. His drug abuse and general treating me like shit had pushed me out of our apartment several times. But each time he would convince me things would be different and I would take him back. Secretly he just needed someone to pay the bills.

Since I was smarter this last time around my friends and family put together a divorce celebration. My best friend described it as “a divorce shower” since I didn’t get to have a bridal shower to celebrate my entering into married life they were going to celebrate my return to single life. I think they have probably been planning this party since the second month of my marriage.

They went all out. there was tons of food. my friend made a cake with a bride cutting a grooms head off. Everyone who came had to bring me underwear, and if you brought me anything other then underwear that I would need on my return to a sexy single woman you would get a raffle ticket. Yes they made raffle baskets.

On top of all the great presents which included bras underwear a robe 75 condoms and some other creepy items it was also an Athenas party (for anyone who doesn’t know what it is, its a sex toy party and you earn a portion of your sales towards free goodies) I got over 100 dollars worth of free stuff from that. I just need to add that starting a drinking game that consists of “take a jello shot every time she says the word ass” ends in everyone being really sick the next day.

Things got a little weird. Theres nothing like learning about different sex toys with your parents sitting in the room. If I wasn’t in therepy before I will need to be now. I was blind folded and had to guess whose butt what whose (which I wasn’t good at by the way). And then everyone took turns hitting me with whips and paddles. I think this was the perfect end a bad situation. 20 of my closest friends and family came to celebrate my reentering into the single life. If your going through a divorce and you have friends and family who love you enough to do this for you I would highly recommend it.

Of course the very next day I would get a text from my exbest friend. She had the same addictions as him and was very very involved in his life, I guess that is the best way to put it. Once I found out everything I found out espically the part she played in his adultery and the robbing of my house I quite obviously cut her out of my life. In the 8 months since she has made several attempts to regain my friendship but I will quite obviously never accept her as a friend. She had even gone as far as to blame me for her actions with my husband because “I cut her out as soon as I found out about her addiction”. I am quite positive there will be some sort of dramatic backlash from my ex over the party but I literally don’t even care. and for the record this is not the same friend who ran into him in the bar and outed everything I had learned. I know how to pick em apparently.

I have been very fortunate in this whole situation. I have forgiven the both of them for the things they’ve done because in the end they did me more good then harm. Because of what they did I learned who my real friends are, gained a deeper appreciation for family, and figured out what I want out of life. Had he not done everything he did I would not have so much appreciation for what I have, or had worked so hard to start the career I have started. I had to grow up really fast, and that’s ok.