Hiding my feelings

I’ve decided to be the type of person who tells someone exactly how I feel regardless of whether or not they ask for my opinion, but especially if they ask for my advice. My friends have always said that I was the most up front with them but to be honest I have held a lot back, and after the past five years of my life, looking back on everything I went though, and everything that maybe could have been prevented had someone just said me down and talked some sense into me. I don’t want to be that person who could have talked some sense into someone but kept my mouth shut to avoid rocking the boat.

I don’t want to live in the past anymore, I don’t want to hide from it either. I’m not embarrassed by it any more and I’m mostly not hurt by it anymore. There are things that still hurt, but most of them involve the things I don’t have now that I thought I would, most of them involve the time I wasted. I thought I had delt with everything and put it in the past until Thursday night. I ran into my old bosses wife, they had been our neighbors in my first apartment with my ex, they had been our neighbors when we found out we were pregnant and decided to get married and move into my parents house to save for a place that we could live in together and not with roommates. That was the last time I saw them until Thursday. I had honestly thought those four years of my life were enough of a public train wreck that I would never have to tell anyone what had happened to me, or my life, my marriage or my baby. But there we were in the grocery store parking lot in three degrees and she asked me how my baby was, how old and what I wound up having. First, I wanted to lie, or run, anything to avoid rehashing the past five years of my life. I think the most painful part of everything now was the loss of my child. I don’t think that will ever be something I will learn to cope with. I know it was a blessing, I know I am thankful for it every day, but it still kills me. I still deal with it every time I hold my friends babies, or walk past any baby aisle in any store. I am trying not to live in the past and look towards the future but sometimes I feel like I cant escape it.

My friend is going to marry the wrong person. We’ve been friends since we were 14, that’s 11 years of friendship, and she is going to marry the wrong person. They have been together for 10 years, 10 years, two children and way more bullshit then someone should ever put another person through. Recently we found out he was on some website looking for women and transvestites to have sex with. At first she was going to call the marriage off, and when we found that out everything made sense. All of the bullshit suddenly made sense. I think he’s gay, I really do, I think he’s gay and he cant admit it to himself so he is doing all these things to try to stop himself from being gay. So she was going to call off the engagement. And I was relieved because I have never been a huge fan of him. Suddenly, she started this giant rush to the alter, settling for a wedding she didn’t want, taking out loans even starting a go fund me. Wanting to have an out door wedding in the mountains five hours away the last weekend in October with a man who can not drive himself there who will have a two month old baby officiating the wedding.

For the few months of planning all I have heard her say is that she is settling for this wedding. Finally as things got more and more outlandish I had to say something. I do not support this wedding. I cant, she is rushing this because she thinks that getting married is going to fix all the problems in her relationship and it wont, marriage makes small problems larger, and quite honestly, there biggest problem is that hes gay!! HE IS GAY! you can not marry the gay away, it isn’t a choice. If he cant admit it to himself then she needs to  face the facts, he wanted to cheat on her with another man. It is fine to be gay, it is fine to struggle with it. It is not fine to spend 10 years destroying another person because you cant cope with who you are and I will not stand by and watch someone who I care about go through the same bullshit I did if I can do anything about it.

I finally said something to her. I told her I was concerned that she was rushing this wedding because she thought it was going to solve the problems in her relationship and it wasn’t, if anything it would make them worse, she had been with him 10 years and had two children with him, why is she willing to sacrifice the wedding she wants to rush to get married all of a sudden. She basically responded with, if she doesn’t marry him shell wind up alone forever. Not directly but pretty much the response I got. Thursday she texted me and asked if she was asking too much from me and another friend as bridesmaids because we “aren’t that close”.
Not being that close was news to me. If she truly feels she is getting married for the right reason then I didn’t want to see her settle for a wedding she doesn’t want if she can wait a year or two and have the wedding she does want. After 10 years of friendship we apparently are that close. Which is interesting, because when she had her first son 3 days before she turned 14 I was there, when he decided he would rather be a drug addict than a father we were there to help her raise her son at 14, 15, 16 years old. When she was lying to her mother so she could take the train into the city and sleep on a park bench so she could be with him, I was the one telling her mother she was with me. I am the one who takes all the nasty phone calls and texts from her fiancé accusing me of trying to get her drunk and convince her to cheat on him every single time we hang out, whether were at dinner or a yoga class. And I have never cheated on anyone ever. So if we aren’t that close then I guess I need to reevaulate my friendships and my life.
She keeps asking me if I am mad at her. I haven’t answered yet because quite honestly I don’t know what to say to that because I’m not. I’m hurt, but I know this is how she is. She has spent her entire life feeling like no one will ever care about her. She can’t accept love or friendship which is why she has stuck with this relationship. I want to be mad or hurt, but she is a very damaged person and I cant hold that against her. It’s just like, how do I handle that, do I tell her how I feel? or just let it go. I am not great at letting things go. I am not great at hiding the way I feel about anything. I don’t have any secrets, I’m not a person who is capable of keeping my own secrets.


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