The second marriage

When I first split up with my husband I made a lot of plans for my life. None of those plans included ever getting married again. I wanted to be a free bird. I didn’t want to be tied down again. I actually planned that in 5 years I would try to adopt or have a baby through ivf so I could start a family on my own.
Maybe that was not my most well thought out plan. Now two years later I feel much differently about marriage then I did when mine ended. I look at it very differently now that I understand what marriage is about. And I had planned to approach my next with much more caution then I had the first.
When I started dating Tim he was what I thought was going to be the person I “got under” in order to get over my ex. But that didn’t work out, and so I began the somewhat out of control spiral that became my revolving bedroom door for the next year.
When Tim moved in. I definitely still had some unresolved feelings. I maybe even let him stay here for all the wrong reasons. I still am not sure what in my mind ever though that letting him move into my house was a good idea. But here we are over a year later and it’s so much more than I ever thought it would be. It’s not perfect, I hate that he smokes weed, I wish he had more of a plan for his life, I wish he was more social and talkative, but in the broad scheme of things he is worlds better then my ex ever was and even though he may not be everything I want in a partner he really tries hard to make up for the things he may lack.
Tonight my mom told me that my dad thinks he is going to propose at Christmas. Tim is really close to my dad so if my dad thinks this will happen he probably knows best. It’s terrifying. It’s not that I don’t love Tim, or that I don’t want to marry him. It’s a lot of me being afraid. I knew he wanted to marry me. I knew his only long term plan he had for his life is to be with me. But I really thought he and I would be together for four more years before this became an option. We’ve only been together a year and I’m not even officially divorced yet. Granted I’ve been separated for two years now but it feels some what inappropriate.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid that history will repeat itself. How do I know that the marriage I had is not how marriage is. How do I know that he doesn’t just want to marry me because he can’t hide the bad parts of himself for much longer and he knows that if we get married I’ll be trapped. Before I married my ex he was great but over night he became a monster. I want to believe that things will be different the second time around but I don’t know how to be sure.
I know what I want for my life. And I know that Tim and I are on our way to having those things together. Is this fear normal? My mom had a similar marriage and divorce, she says feeling this way is normal, but I hate to say it, my parents haven’t had the greatest life together maybe her fears were a warning sign that my dad wasn’t right for her.
I want to do things right this time. And I know I love Tim, and I think he’s right for me. I just don’t know that I’m ready to get married again. My friends and my parents say that just because I say yes doesn’t mean I have to marry him right away, but that feels selfish and there’s no good way to bring up my fears without hurting him which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to hurt him or take the idea off the table I just want a couple more years of just being together before we get married. Maybe I’m thinking too much because it wasn’t like a solid this is going to happen thing my dad said. Just his thoughts.


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