Working

Lately I have been increasingly paranoid about losing my job. It’s not that I feel like I’m doing anything wrong, but the company is going through a lot of changes and I can’t help but feel like I am going to be one of them. I’m hoping it’s all in my head but it is definitely putting a fire in me to finish my degree.
I’ve spent entirely too much time in my life since high school not having a backup plan and now that my life is finally starting to settle down from the past couple years and be more stable I feel like I need to start coming up with backups. And maybe some backups for my backups.
I’ve always had trouble with school. The weird thing is I’m a great worker but I’m more driven to make money then I am to sit in a class room. Focus is hard for me and the older I get the harder it is. This somewhat spills into my work life but I am usually able to get it under control. I know if I were to lose my job I would be able to go back to the bar until I could find another job but I have come so far since those days that I almost feel like if I were to go back there I may do some back sliding.
I’m finally at a point where I am able to pay my rent, buy my groceries, put gas in my car, put money in savings, and have some money left over. Some weeks are still a struggle but I’m getting there. And slowly but surely I am getting less help from my parents.
I still really want to move but I am not quite at a point where I feel secure enough in my relationship where I am ok with putting someone else’s name on the lease. And I know that if I left here I could not afford a higher rent on my own. I also have the safety net of knowing that as long as I live here if I were to ever lose my job and get behind my landlord wouldn’t just evict me.
I’ve never worked only one job. Ever since high school I’ve always had two. Sometimes every three jobs so that if something happened to one job I had something to fall back on. While I love being able to just come home after work I always felt a little more secure knowing that if I lost this job I would at least make enough money to put gas in my car to look for another job.
I don’t know what sparked this feeling in me. Though sometimes I think that I have a hard time feeling secure in anything ever since I married my ex. I know I can’t blame him for everything that’s wrong in my life. But I never had these constant feelings of insecurity before him. I am still working to cope with the things that have happened. I found a great therapist and I am learning to deal with life without the help of medication which is big for me because living a normal functioning life on psychiatric meds is very difficult for me. I haven’t been on any meds in over a year. And for the most part I feel great. Considering I was hospitalized three years ago yesterday I am doing great without meds. Retrospectively I think what happened three years ago was because I felt that there was only one way to get out of my situation. It was not the way. And I’m glad for that. I wish the person I am now could have met the person I was then and let her know that there is a way out and that life goes on.
My niece was born while I was hospitalized. And I still regret that the most. She will be three this week and every day I am thankful that I am here to watch her grow up and be a part of her life.
Right now I am at my personal best financially emotionally and probably physically. I am working to do things the right way and not the fast way or the easy way. Maybe the reason I am so worried about losing my job is because all of these things are a result of the job that I have. I definately don’t want to sabotage myself.