I have an acquaintance whose an addict in recovery. I use that term loosely because I haven’t yet reached a point within myself to be able to trust someone with an addiction is capable of recovery since my ex was “in recovery” for so long. I ran into him today and he told me he had run into my ex at a meeting, and that he suspected my ex had been high during the meeting. He also said he had been with a girl he suspected to be my exes girlfriend, and as he described her I knew it was the ex girlfriend he had cheated on me with, and is now living with. I want to pretend it didn’t hurt like hell that he’s actually being seen in public with her but it does.
I’m still trying to hide my actions from him, trying to be sensitive of his feelings. But there he is, right in a meeting, right down the street from my bar with her. Pretending he never cheated on me, pretending he’s not living with her, pretending he misses me and pretending he regrets everything he did during our marriage. I want to pretend it doesn’t kill me but it does.
Its been almost a year since our split, and I am just now starting to slow down. I spent the first four months trying to work things out and the past five jumping from different beds to try to (as my therapist put it) “fill the holes” ( I think she meant in my heart, but really who knows). I had figured if I kept working, kept moving, kept dancing, kept fucking I would forget the way I felt but at the end of the day after every one night stand I just felt more empty.
I finally realized that while I’m not ready to have a relationship I really need a situation in which there is one regular partner who is willing to care about me. At least on a friendship level. I think I’ve finally found it. I’ve found myself in such a weird friends with benefits situation that I’m not really sure what it actually is. My friend says he’s trying to trick me into being with him. But he says he couldn’t ever be with me on a relationship level. He’s made comments about my baggage being to much for him, but he’s also eluded that he really doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. Its confusing, but I can deal with it.
We have really intimate sex, when he shows up he kisses me like he hasn’t seen me in months, when he leaves he kisses me like hell never see me again. He makes plans to hang out outside of sex. He’s supportive when I need it. He cuddles, and kisses my forehead, and plays with my hair. Its never awkward, it all feels really natural. He’s literally like my best friend except with benefits.
Its possible that I have found the holy grail of fuck buddies and my overthinking it is going to ruin the perfect friendship and situation. Its possible that I’m just not used to what he’s offering me. We put everything on the table, established exactly what we were, and that neither of us could see ourselves together, but when were together it feels like the total opposite.
Its not even that I want to be with him, or at least I don’t think I do, but the situation totally freaks me out. There are times I literally want to run screaming from the room naked. I could handle the one night stands because there was no intimacy, we didn’t talk, just bang and I went home.
I know I need to let myself feel, and trust, and learn to be intimate with someone again, and even if we are just friends (which again, I’m not saying I want more then that) this is a good place to start. I’ve put up so many walls that I haven’t been able to have anything more meaningful then a one night stand, where I barely let the other person kiss me or touch me and here I have to do all of that, and he comes to me so I cant just run out after its over.
I guess I need to just let things be. This isn’t my strong suit, I know it will never amount to anything, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even want it to. I know at this point in my life process it couldn’t. I don’t want to let me fear ruin my friendship with him, and the non one night stand sex is kind of nice even if it does freak me out. He and I have been friends for like seven years I don’t think there is much that can go wrong as long as I don’t let my head get in the way of things. I know I don’t need this, but as I’ve said before having someone to support me when I need it and help me when I want it with the added benefit of sex is kind of nice. I guess life really doesn’t care about what you want or what your ready for. It happens whether your ready or not with no regard for your feelings.
singlelifeinthehood 