Where do we go from here

I am beginning to think that as a rule my life is just a continuous series of things constantly going wrong. It seems like every plan I make or every time I think things are falling into place the bottom drops out and everything starts spiraling out of control and I apparently have no coping skills.
I have been making plans to start college in the fall. I applied, spoke with an advisor, spoke with someone in admissions, sent them all the paperwork I needed, and got approved for financial aid. When I spoke with the person in admissions we discussed my situation, I have been out of school for eight years, had a couple of unsuccessful attempts at school due to situational things, and discussed what my options were. I was told that because of the amount of time I had been out of school my grades wouldn’t be a factor in the decision, that I was considered a “non conventional student” and once I completed the application and sent in my paperwork that I would be all set because all non conventional students were accepted and I could register for classes once the fall semester was posted.
Thursday I got my rejection letter. Which would have been ok, if I had a back up plan, which I didn’t think I needed because I was told I was already in. It would have been ok, if I didn’t need letters of recommendation from my bosses, or if everyone I worked with didn’t know I was starting school in September. And now I don’t know how to tell them that I didn’t get accepted after all or that I wont be starting school in September. I was obviously super upset about it, and I didn’t get much support from my boyfriend. He basically just acted like me being upset was inconvenient, which in turn made me more upset.
I don’t know what his deal is. I’ve been having a tough time, I’m stretching myself really thin trying to make our lives and our future better and I don’t feel like I am getting much if any support from him which is really frustrating. It’s like he’s just fine with how things are, and I am really not. I just don’t know where things are going anymore. There was a time where I thought there was a future in this relationship, but I am starting to feel like that less and less. I just feel like he has a lot of growing up to do and issues to deal with and he just isn’t, and that makes me crazy, because I don’t want to mommy him or bully him into doing things, I still love him, but I cant spend my life watching him play video games, or going to everything by myself or making excuses to not go to things because he has social issues.
I think I just need a vacation from everything, its been a frustrating start to the new year all around and every time I turn around its something else. I was running errands last night and when I went out to my car someone had hit it in the parking lot, left a huge scratch and no note. I am not the type of person who is like crazy over their car, but seriously the scratch is this huge white scratch along almost my whole passenger side and part of my back bumper is detached. How can you do damage to someone’s car like that and just leave? That so rude! They had to have known they did some serious damage.
I did lose 6 pounds this week though. I feel pretty good about that, I’ve been getting up and going to the gym before work and I’m actually kind of loving it, I feel so much more energized and my work out is like already over and I don’t have to worry about finding the motivation or making the time to get it done after work. So that’s kind of great.
I am trying to decide if getting rejected by that college is a sign that this is not the best time to try to go back to school, or if I should just try to get into the community college and start from there. I just really don’t know where to go from there.

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Getting a Grip

I used to be the type of person who would party all night, sleep a couple hours, wake up go to brunch, go to work, and do it all over again. I used to be the type of person who would drag my parents kitchen table onto the front lawn for “more room to play beer pong”, and I used to be the type of person who slept naked, well until my roommate started fighting with her boyfriend and crawling into bed with me (you know that scene from that Sandra Bullock Ryan Reynolds movie where they hate each other but pretend to be engaged because shes his boss and shes being deported, the scene where there in Alaska and there both naked for some reason and theres a lot of screaming…yeah… it was kind of like that), I used to invite strangers into my apartment for jello shots. Now I can’t remember the last time I was even in a bar or the last time I slept naked and I can’t have people in my house unless I’ve swept and mopped the floors. I’ve become the type of person who constantly checks their bank account and calculates what is coming out of it, and then goes home and googles different ways to tweak my budget so I can spend less and save more and I’m anxious all the time.
How did I get this way and how can I get the cooler funner more naked version of myself back? I really liked that version of myself so much better. I am tired of living in the constant chaos of worrying about losing my job, and worrying about the fact that all my friends are getting married and having babies and buying a house while I am still living in the ghetto trying to hold it together. It’s getting old and I’m sick of wearing pants. I think I need to put the breaks on my two year plan and just focus on right now and getting through the next week and the next thing. I think I need to put my energy into paying my bills and getting through school instead of whether or not my boyfriend is going to decide he wants children or how I am going to pay off my debt save money for a down payment on a new car and save 20 thousand dollars to put a down payment on a condo. It’s a lot of unnecessary pressure and I am making myself into a raving lunatic. Maybe I just need to drink more wine, but I also have this constant fear that I am going to become an alcoholic if I drink more than once a week. How can I just get my shit together and stop overthinking everything and just focus on one day and one thing at a time? Does everyone start to feel this way as they get older or is it just because of all the chaos I’ve had these past few years?
I need to get over my irrational fears. They are actually pretty ridiculous and kind of taking over my life. Netflix is also taking over my life, I started watching Greys anatomy and now basically all I do is sit at home, watch Netflix and cry, and its not normal. It’s making me depressed and cranky and I don’t like being either of those things. I need to stop sitting in the sad seat for no apparent reason and stop complaining.

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Hiding my feelings

I’ve decided to be the type of person who tells someone exactly how I feel regardless of whether or not they ask for my opinion, but especially if they ask for my advice. My friends have always said that I was the most up front with them but to be honest I have held a lot back, and after the past five years of my life, looking back on everything I went though, and everything that maybe could have been prevented had someone just said me down and talked some sense into me. I don’t want to be that person who could have talked some sense into someone but kept my mouth shut to avoid rocking the boat.

I don’t want to live in the past anymore, I don’t want to hide from it either. I’m not embarrassed by it any more and I’m mostly not hurt by it anymore. There are things that still hurt, but most of them involve the things I don’t have now that I thought I would, most of them involve the time I wasted. I thought I had delt with everything and put it in the past until Thursday night. I ran into my old bosses wife, they had been our neighbors in my first apartment with my ex, they had been our neighbors when we found out we were pregnant and decided to get married and move into my parents house to save for a place that we could live in together and not with roommates. That was the last time I saw them until Thursday. I had honestly thought those four years of my life were enough of a public train wreck that I would never have to tell anyone what had happened to me, or my life, my marriage or my baby. But there we were in the grocery store parking lot in three degrees and she asked me how my baby was, how old and what I wound up having. First, I wanted to lie, or run, anything to avoid rehashing the past five years of my life. I think the most painful part of everything now was the loss of my child. I don’t think that will ever be something I will learn to cope with. I know it was a blessing, I know I am thankful for it every day, but it still kills me. I still deal with it every time I hold my friends babies, or walk past any baby aisle in any store. I am trying not to live in the past and look towards the future but sometimes I feel like I cant escape it.

My friend is going to marry the wrong person. We’ve been friends since we were 14, that’s 11 years of friendship, and she is going to marry the wrong person. They have been together for 10 years, 10 years, two children and way more bullshit then someone should ever put another person through. Recently we found out he was on some website looking for women and transvestites to have sex with. At first she was going to call the marriage off, and when we found that out everything made sense. All of the bullshit suddenly made sense. I think he’s gay, I really do, I think he’s gay and he cant admit it to himself so he is doing all these things to try to stop himself from being gay. So she was going to call off the engagement. And I was relieved because I have never been a huge fan of him. Suddenly, she started this giant rush to the alter, settling for a wedding she didn’t want, taking out loans even starting a go fund me. Wanting to have an out door wedding in the mountains five hours away the last weekend in October with a man who can not drive himself there who will have a two month old baby officiating the wedding.

For the few months of planning all I have heard her say is that she is settling for this wedding. Finally as things got more and more outlandish I had to say something. I do not support this wedding. I cant, she is rushing this because she thinks that getting married is going to fix all the problems in her relationship and it wont, marriage makes small problems larger, and quite honestly, there biggest problem is that hes gay!! HE IS GAY! you can not marry the gay away, it isn’t a choice. If he cant admit it to himself then she needs to  face the facts, he wanted to cheat on her with another man. It is fine to be gay, it is fine to struggle with it. It is not fine to spend 10 years destroying another person because you cant cope with who you are and I will not stand by and watch someone who I care about go through the same bullshit I did if I can do anything about it.

I finally said something to her. I told her I was concerned that she was rushing this wedding because she thought it was going to solve the problems in her relationship and it wasn’t, if anything it would make them worse, she had been with him 10 years and had two children with him, why is she willing to sacrifice the wedding she wants to rush to get married all of a sudden. She basically responded with, if she doesn’t marry him shell wind up alone forever. Not directly but pretty much the response I got. Thursday she texted me and asked if she was asking too much from me and another friend as bridesmaids because we “aren’t that close”.
Not being that close was news to me. If she truly feels she is getting married for the right reason then I didn’t want to see her settle for a wedding she doesn’t want if she can wait a year or two and have the wedding she does want. After 10 years of friendship we apparently are that close. Which is interesting, because when she had her first son 3 days before she turned 14 I was there, when he decided he would rather be a drug addict than a father we were there to help her raise her son at 14, 15, 16 years old. When she was lying to her mother so she could take the train into the city and sleep on a park bench so she could be with him, I was the one telling her mother she was with me. I am the one who takes all the nasty phone calls and texts from her fiancé accusing me of trying to get her drunk and convince her to cheat on him every single time we hang out, whether were at dinner or a yoga class. And I have never cheated on anyone ever. So if we aren’t that close then I guess I need to reevaulate my friendships and my life.
She keeps asking me if I am mad at her. I haven’t answered yet because quite honestly I don’t know what to say to that because I’m not. I’m hurt, but I know this is how she is. She has spent her entire life feeling like no one will ever care about her. She can’t accept love or friendship which is why she has stuck with this relationship. I want to be mad or hurt, but she is a very damaged person and I cant hold that against her. It’s just like, how do I handle that, do I tell her how I feel? or just let it go. I am not great at letting things go. I am not great at hiding the way I feel about anything. I don’t have any secrets, I’m not a person who is capable of keeping my own secrets.

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its cold

Its been the worst winter in the history of the city I live in. Over the course of three weeks we received over 111 inches of snow. Seriously…111 inches of snow, and this morning I woke up and it was -11 degrees. I am not a big fan of winter or snow or anything that has to do with being cold to begin with, so I am not sure what in my right mind ever made me sign a lease that says my landlord doesn’t shovel or live in a place with no onsite parking. I guess to be honest in the five years I’ve been in this apartment this year has been the first time it’s ever been an issue but between not having any place to put the snow and having to leave my car a half hour away and relay on rides to get to and from work I’ve decided that I was going to start looking to buy a condo. I can do two more winters in this place but that’s about where I draw the line. I could move to another apartment but it wouldn’t make sense to move to another place with a higher rent that would make it more difficult to save money, and its unlikely that I would find a place with a driveway and a landlord that shovels for under 1000 dollars a month which until recently is what I thought I would be paying on the mortgage of a condo.

I had initially planned to save money with my boyfriend, and buy a condo in the town where I grew up because its close to my parents close to one of my offices and close to the college where I will be taking classes starting in September. I thought long and hard about this and realized that I was really unsure about buying a house with someone I wasn’t more committed to… its not that I’m not committed to it though sometimes I have my doubts, I just don’t think its wise to buy a house with someone who I’m not married to, marriage is not in my three year plan, and I am not about to get screwed. So I decided I was going to save on my own and buy the condo on my own and he could live in it and pay rent in it and if we were to get married we would buy a house and keep the condo as rental income. I’m not sure how I’m going to have that conversation with him, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

My friends all got married over the summer and have either bought houses or are in the process of buying a house so I started asking questions about what I should do. They told me to get prequalified and to start looking at things within that pricerange that way I know what I have to work with. So first I started looking at condos in the town I wanted to live in. It turns out that whole houses actually cost less than condos do, probably because condos shovel…that’s sort of the reason behind wanting a condo to begin with. So I started looking in the 230,000 price range figuring that’s like the median of what people wind up with and I found a house, a whole house, and I loved it literally like fell in love with it. SO then I decided to see what I would be approved for. that was $106,000. turns out that will buy me a trailer… not even a nice one. Personally I sort of don’t understand the point of buying a trailer, so you buy a trailer, but then you have to pay rent on the land, and then ive heard (but I don’t know if its true) that utility companies charge you more because its not “a permanent residence”. And on top of everything your paying out if something breaks on it you have to pay to fix that. At that rate I’ll just stay in my 700 dollar a month apartment in the ghetto and not pay to fix the broken stuff. Not only will I only be approved for $106,000 but I would need a $20,000 down payment. Do real people even save that much money in real life? The most money I’ve ever seen in my bank account was after this years tax return, and that was a grand.

Needless to say I will need to work really hard to improve my credit and save if it I want to do this. I showed my boyfriend the house I really love who says we could make it work if we bought it and his best friend moved in, which as much as I like his friend… hell no. Saturday afternoon he came over and the two of them  sat in my room playing ps4 and making words up. For a minute I honestly thought I was babysitting instead of hanging out with two grown men. Is that like a normal thing? because honestly it was a little concerning.

I love my boyfriend but sometimes I worry that we aren’t on the same path. I have plans for my life, I am going back to school and trying to buy a house  and working towards the goals I had for myself before the bottom fell out of my life. I work really really hard but sometimes I feel like he sort of just shows up to life. It seems like his only real goal is to be with me, and I even sort of feel like he just shows up to the relationship. I worry that hes only with me because he doesn’t want to be alone. But them I also wonder if these things are all just in my head as a residual side effect of the past. I also don’t think he wants kids. I think he pretends that he will want them “some day” because he knows its a deal breaker. Having kids is going to be really hard for me, maybe even impossible but I need to know that the person I’m with is going to want this as much as I do when that time comes.

This winters kicking my ass. When I can have my car at my apartment its like so hard to find the motivation to do anything. I haven’t been to the gym sine like November, I haven’t gone to yoga either. I’m so unbelievably over it and ready for summer. I need to get back on track with my diet. I have an appointment with my nutritionist tomorrow morning so I obviously decided tonight was the night to eat chicken fingers and onion rings. I was doing so well and now that im more than halfway to my goal weight its so hard to find the motivation to get back on track. I know its not just a temporary change that I need to make permanent changes to get the weight off and keep it off but wouldn’t it be so much better if we could all wake up healthy?

As for this winter. I blame the farmers almanac.  I am pretty sure it said we were going to have the worst winter ever and at 111″ I think there right.

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Forward

I am making so many changes in my life with this new year, or atleast I am trying. I was seeing a therapist for a while and while I ultimately decided that she was not a good fit for me, she said a lot of things that were completely wrong and she was very pushy about those things. She also said a lot of things that were completely right.

My ex has disappeared, he wont show up to court, he’s made it so that he can only contact me when he wants to aggravate me but I cant contact him when I want to discuss things like, why the hell wont you just let us both get this thing over with. I know the answer though, he thinks he’s punishing me in some way. He’s not…but I am afraid that the IRS will go after him soon, and that will take me down as well, not because I don’t  pay my taxes, I do but he does not and the IRS wont care how long we’ve been separated or that I can’t contact him unless he contacts me they just want their money. I’m taking these matters into my own hands. I have made it so he cannot contact me. I can’t spend any more of my life living in the shadows of this bad marriage, I’ve told my friends that I no longer want to discuss the marriage or him or what they’ve heard about him. I’ve told my mother I no longer want to discuss the effect my marriage had on her, and I’ve told my brothers that they can be angry at me for those two years but until they are in an abusive relationship and understand the control that relationship has over every aspect of your life they are not entitled to have any judgment on any decision I made. I have recovered every aspect of my life and if anyone wants to be angry about it so be it but I wont ask for their forgiveness, I don’t care what they think. Espically if they can’t understand what I went through.

I intend to do everything with in my legal right to end this marriage, but in my eyes it has been over a long time, in my eyes it was never real and I no longer have any interest in looking back or wishing I had done things differently. I am moving forward. My therapist said to live my life as if it never happened and to weed out my relationships accordingly. That is what I’m doing.

I’m applying to colleges this week, I figure its time to finish my degree. I don’t have any excuses any more and I’m not getting any younger. I need to make sure I have a back up plan. I have worked to hard to get from where I was to where I am to lose all that if something were to happen at work. I need to make sure  I have a back up plan. I need to make sure that even though I have a person to relay on if something goes wrong that I can always still support myself. I have two savings accounts my debts in repayment (slowest process in history) I have a weekly budget that I work to stay with in. My credit score has gone up 20 points.

I’ve lost 60lbs since last year. It turns out that once you get into the habit of making healthy choices everything else kind of follows. Sure I’ve had some help here. I have been seeing the medical weight loss center at my doctors office but to do this the right way and not with crash dieting is so much more satisfying than losing 10lbs in a week and putting back on 20. I still hate the gym, but its growing on me I guess.

Oh and I finally finished painting the kitchen. If anyone ever decides to paint anything red ever just listen to me and don’t. What a nightmare.

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Disease

Lately I see a lot of friends posting things on Facebook urging for better rehabilitation for heroin addicts. A lot of people from the town I grew up in have died from the drug in the past six years. The addict is treated as the victim the addiction is treated as a disease.
I have an extremely hard time with this. I truly believe that a cure for this will come when we stop letting them believe they are victims and stop telling them they have a disease. Cancer is a disease, you don’t chose to become sick. You (in most cases) do not get cancer from making a decision to do something on a consistent basis that makes you feel good. Maybe an addict does not chose to become addicted but they make the choices that lead them down that path. They chose the high. That doesn’t make you a victim. It makes you an asshole.
An addict will destroy every person they come into contact with if you give them the chance. Those people they destroy are the victims not the addict. The children the parents the husband the wife, they are the victims of addiction and not of their own addiction. They are the ones who suffer.
You can not truly understand addiction until you’ve lived with it. You don’t understand it until you’ve worked a month with no day off to pay your rent and living expenses that should be shared only to wake up one morning and find your bank accounts been drained and there’s no money left to pay the bills. You can’t understand it until your parent or partner uses the food stamps that are supposed to help feed your family to trade for drugs instead. And you really can’t understand what addiction is until the person who is supposed to take care of you convinces you that you should do the drug too because it won’t bother you as much if you just try it and then they dump you in a cold shower with all your clothes on because you can’t stop throwing up and cant stay conscious. You are not a victim when your mother or father has to bury you. You are not a victim when the person keeping a roof over your head has to come home to a disgusting mess because your to drugged out to clean up after yourself. When you spill something and can’t clean up after yourself so you leave it for the person you live with you are not the victim.
These of course are all feelings I keep to myself. I can’t help but to continue to harbor this anger and animosity towards anyone who has a problem with addiction because I truly believe it is a choice and a selfish one at that. Living with someone else’s addiction was a chunk of my life and I could have easily chosen that path but I got to a point where I looked at my life and decided that I knew where it was going to go if I continued to do the things I was doing and I made the choice to stop because I was not going to make my family victims of addiction more so then they already had become because of the person I married. I did not let things progress to the point of picking up a needle because I knew the risks of my actions and chose not to.
We need to stop taking consequence away from these people and allowing them to live as the victim. I think the world would be a much better place if we put them on an island and let the problem solve itself.

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The second marriage

When I first split up with my husband I made a lot of plans for my life. None of those plans included ever getting married again. I wanted to be a free bird. I didn’t want to be tied down again. I actually planned that in 5 years I would try to adopt or have a baby through ivf so I could start a family on my own.
Maybe that was not my most well thought out plan. Now two years later I feel much differently about marriage then I did when mine ended. I look at it very differently now that I understand what marriage is about. And I had planned to approach my next with much more caution then I had the first.
When I started dating Tim he was what I thought was going to be the person I “got under” in order to get over my ex. But that didn’t work out, and so I began the somewhat out of control spiral that became my revolving bedroom door for the next year.
When Tim moved in. I definitely still had some unresolved feelings. I maybe even let him stay here for all the wrong reasons. I still am not sure what in my mind ever though that letting him move into my house was a good idea. But here we are over a year later and it’s so much more than I ever thought it would be. It’s not perfect, I hate that he smokes weed, I wish he had more of a plan for his life, I wish he was more social and talkative, but in the broad scheme of things he is worlds better then my ex ever was and even though he may not be everything I want in a partner he really tries hard to make up for the things he may lack.
Tonight my mom told me that my dad thinks he is going to propose at Christmas. Tim is really close to my dad so if my dad thinks this will happen he probably knows best. It’s terrifying. It’s not that I don’t love Tim, or that I don’t want to marry him. It’s a lot of me being afraid. I knew he wanted to marry me. I knew his only long term plan he had for his life is to be with me. But I really thought he and I would be together for four more years before this became an option. We’ve only been together a year and I’m not even officially divorced yet. Granted I’ve been separated for two years now but it feels some what inappropriate.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid that history will repeat itself. How do I know that the marriage I had is not how marriage is. How do I know that he doesn’t just want to marry me because he can’t hide the bad parts of himself for much longer and he knows that if we get married I’ll be trapped. Before I married my ex he was great but over night he became a monster. I want to believe that things will be different the second time around but I don’t know how to be sure.
I know what I want for my life. And I know that Tim and I are on our way to having those things together. Is this fear normal? My mom had a similar marriage and divorce, she says feeling this way is normal, but I hate to say it, my parents haven’t had the greatest life together maybe her fears were a warning sign that my dad wasn’t right for her.
I want to do things right this time. And I know I love Tim, and I think he’s right for me. I just don’t know that I’m ready to get married again. My friends and my parents say that just because I say yes doesn’t mean I have to marry him right away, but that feels selfish and there’s no good way to bring up my fears without hurting him which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to hurt him or take the idea off the table I just want a couple more years of just being together before we get married. Maybe I’m thinking too much because it wasn’t like a solid this is going to happen thing my dad said. Just his thoughts.

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