Growth

It’s been over a year since I filed for divorce. And I’m approaching the two year mark of the day I threw him out. It’s hard to believe how far I’ve come from those points in my life. It all feels so far behind me now that sometimes, briefly, I forget that it happened.
It’s been a year since Tim moved in. And I’ve been gone for awhile and during that time a lot of things have changed. Tim and I reached a point where we had to either really be together and make it work, or move on and not be a part of each other’s lives. So we decided to make it work. I’ve always believed that despite what you do in life all the things that are meant to happen happen regardless of whether or not you want them to or whether or not your ready.
I’m still struggling, especially when I watch all my friends getting married and having babies. I’m still starting my life over. And even though I have a great career and now a great relationship it’s still hard for me. It’s not hard not being with him, it’s mostly hard because I’m not at a point where I’m losing all my friends to marriage. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I know more than anyone that when you start your family you no longer have as much time for your friends. And I already started my family once, and It didn’t work, but I missed out on everything I could have experienced with my friends. I won’t get that back.
Tim wants to get married. Not now, but in the future. I have my doubts about this. Part of me feels like marriage is a trap, something that guys do to get you so you can’t leave and then that’s when the bad parts come out. But I see my friends marriages, and they aren’t like that, so then I feel like maybe there’s hope for me. Maybe I just feel strange about the fact that the first serious relationship after my marriage ended is a person who wants to marry me. Maybe the problem is that I’m just having such a hard time accepting that someone really loves me, and isn’t just with me to take advantage of the things I can offer them, and isn’t going to go out and sleep with everything that moves. Of course I love him which is not something I ever really thought I would feel for another person. But I can’t help but feel cautious about it. Like sometimes I feel like he doesn’t quite understand exactly what a marriage entails. I think he has a lot of growing up to do, and maybe so do I.
These are all things I’m trying to deal with. Along with all the other things I’ve gained from my marriage, like the debt. I’m finally getting in a position to be able to pay that off. Or at least start to, it’s slow, but it’s happening. At this point in my life I want more than anything to own a house, but I’m trying to learn how to be patient about things and not want or expect them to happen right this second, and not putting myself in a bad situation to obtain the things I want. Everything in time.
I’ve lost almost 50lbs since the beginning of this year. It’s a great feeling, not just because I look better. But because overall I feel better. I still have 50 more lbs to go before I reach the weight I was at before everything fell apart.
I feel like my greatest accomplishment so far is my job. It’s both a source of pride and a source of fear for me. Fear because I feel like this is my only chance to be successful and I’m terrified of screwing that up. Most days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m just flying by the seat of my pants hoping that what I’m doing is the right thing. But dam does it feel good to have a little money in savings pay my bills and still have a little but left when my next paycheck comes. It’s great to have a boss who cares about his employees. As much as my job stresses me out some days at the end of the day I really love everything about it.
I’m focusing a lot on setting goals for my life that do not involve marriage and a family. I think that was my greatest mistake. Of course I’m kind of open to these things. Obviously it’s something I want some day, but it’s not like “the dream”. I think “the dream” is to find myself in a place where I’m financially and emotionally stable.
We are still living in the hood, although I really hope to move out of it soon. The area is getting more dangerous, the neighbors are getting worse. And I’m commuting to the city part of the week to work, which is an hour to an hour and a half there and back. I have a lot of fear about leaving though. Mostly stemming from having to put Tim on a lease, and paying a higher rent. I know that as long as I stay here if Tim left tomorrow I would still be able to pay the rent without much of a struggle. But if I were living somewhere more expensive I may not be able to. I’m also afraid of putting him on a lease having things go south and not being able to get him out because “he’s on the lease” (which my ex did to me many times). Were able to save more money here as well, we both need new cars, and if my divorce is ever final, it would be nice to have some savings to buy a house when the time is right. Or even just to know that if something happens I have a cushion to take care of it which doesn’t involve asking my parents for help.

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So I have been away for a while. Trying to focus on staying on my feet. Trying to figure out if the relationship I’m in is the right situation for me. Trying to get through being a bridesmaid in three weddings while I go through my own divorce. However something totally horrifying happened to me tonight that I felt like I needed to share.
My third and final wedding is Saturday and tonight the bridal party closed down a nail salon early to get manicures and pedicures and drink mimosas. I was just in a wedding a week ago so I needed to soak my previous polish off. No sooner then she had wrapped my nails did I have to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t wait anymore and the girl at the salon said to just go with the wraps on. As you could imagine what happened next I wound up with acetone in places no one should ever have acetone. It felt exactly how it sounds like it felt.

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Debt

 I talked to a lawyer the other day about what my rights are interms of getting him to assume the debt he created in my name. At the start of this divorce I had planned to just let the marriage dissolve and deal with the debt by filing for bankruptcy. But after pulling my credit and seeing the debt im in and separating whats really mine from whats his I realize that of the 20 thousand dollars of debt im in only about 11 thousand of it is mine, and that includes my student loan and car loan if you take those out of the equation my personal debt is only about 3 thousand dollars. If I can get him to assume this debt then it would cut my debt way down and I would be able to get out of this on my own. It may take a couple years but in time it would happen and that would look more in my favor then a bankruptcy would.

 I am feeling very overwhelmed by my debt. I’m still behind on my rent and my electric bill and my home alarm. My mom is paying my car and car insurance, and I’m really barely scraping by. I’m in a better place now then I was at the beginning, because atleast I have reached a point where I can afford groceries and don’t have to scrounge for gas money. I just don’t know where to start in terms of getting my finances in order so that I can move out into a new apartment that isn’t the apartment that was my apartment with him, that wasn’t the apartment that he cheated on me every single day in while I was working 7 days a week to support him.

I’m done with the situation. I’m done with him and his lies and all the chaos hes created in my life. For a long time I thought I was doing fine with it and coming to terms with it but lately its getting harder and harder, and I don’t know if its because I am finally dealing with it or if its because of the whole shit situation with Tim.

 I tried to end it with Tim, I spent two hours writing him a letter detailing everything I feel and how the relationship doesn’t make me feel good and basically that I feel we should go our separate ways, that was exactly a week ago and since that letter he has completely changed the way he treated me. He acts like a boyfriend for the most part but yet still refuses to call me his girlfriend. I don’t know if this is something I want or trust. I don’t know if I believe that he cares about me like he says he does or if he just cares about having a place to live. Maybe part of that is me and my issues with feeling like love is a real thing, maybe its him, maybe its a combination of the two. I know I love him, but I don’t trust that he loves me. Its exhausting.

I feel like I’m stuck, like whenever I think im going to get caught up on something something happens and it pulls me back.  I’ve been putting most of my energy into into dieting and working and trying to make my life better, I went back to see my therapist. I’m trying really hard not to let my damages effect the other aspects of my life. Right now luckily I have a lot of distractions but I’m feeling more and more like I need a vacation.

I went to the gym for the first time in a year, and it felt really good, I wasn’t even in as terrible shape as I had thought I would be. It wasn’t as miserable as I thought it would be. Once I get into a routine it will be easier, and hopefully I will get back under 200 pounds before summer.

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I have the stomach Flu

 Last night I went out with a group of new friends, truthfully I had spent the day on the couch yesterday and had no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I thought it was because I have been feeling particularly depressed, I’m determined not to let my winter blues get the best of it, so I got my ass moving and went out. Aside from feeling over tired I felt fine until we hit the Chinese restaurant, half way through my general gau it got ugly. I basically haven’t moved from the couch or my bed since I got home last night.

 I was supposed to go on a date tonight with a guy who I have never met. Secretly I have been looking for a way out of it all week, for multiple reasons. The last time I went on a blind date there was the whole cat shooting lazer beams from his eyes at the moon shirt kid situation, and I don’t know if I can handle another bad date. But that wasn’t the only reason, he seems nice, but I just don’t know if  im ready to have the “im in the process of getting divorced and I also live with a guy” conversation, and I know its a conversation that we are gonna need to have and im not quite sure when the right point to have that conversation. The other thing is I’m just nervous, truthfully I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a real date. So the stomach flu bought me some time to get over it. I texted him this morning to let him know I was sick and needed to take a raincheck on our date, but I feel like he has been spending the entire day texting me trying to catch me lying about being sick. That really bothers me, it almost feels like a deal breaker.

 I feel like I need to establish things with Tim before I make any moves towards dating other people with Tim. Weve had quite a few blow outs lately and the relationship isn’t going anywhere. I had partially told him how I felt but left a lot of things out because I was afraid to lose him. However I am starting to realize that you cant lose someone that you don’t have and this situation will never be what I want it to be. So today I let him know in no uncertain terms the way the relationship makes me feel, and the fact that basically he needs to move out or start making a considerable effort to help pay the bills. I also told him that I was walking away from the relationship and seeing other people because the relationship doesn’t make me feel good.  I have yet to hear anything back from him, but I guess I don’t expect to hear anything back either.

I’ve decided to start seeing my therapist again, I’m just having a really hard time with life in general and I don’t want to let that effect my relationships with my friends and my career. I just don’t feel like I have the energy to do anything anymore, and I need to deal with that before it starts negatively affecting my life. If I want to spend the next year getting out of debt and working towards moving out of the hood than I need to be at the top of my game and right now I know that I’m not, and that almost makes things worse.

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Ten Pounds

 Last night I came home to a letter in my mailbox from my therapist. Oddly enough it couldn’t have come at a better time because lately I have been feeling particularly weak. The 13 would have been my three year wedding anniversary it was also the day my not yet ex husband proposed to one of the girls he cheated on me with, the day I found out about it, and the day everyone he knew called me to tell me how ridiculous the situation is. All his friends were on my side of the divorce… not that I had ever asked them to be, but they saw him for what he was long before I ever did. The 13 was also four days after my not yet ex broke into my car and one week after the last pathetic phone call asking me to take him back.

 I have long considering going back to my therapist since slowly things have started to creep back on me. I haven’t been feeling happy, I’ve actually been feeling like my life is very out of my control. All I want to do is sit in my bed and cuddle with my dog. I’ve really actually ended things with Tim. The end came on Wednesday when one of our coworkers basically pulled me aside and informed me that he was basically making me look like a joke, that everyone knew we were living together and that judging by the fact that he took almost all of his shifts off from work he probably wasn’t paying much in rent. I need to start sticking up for my self and remembering the promises I made myself when I ended my marriage. I am not going to put myself in another situation like I was with another guy who doesn’t love me. I’m hurt, its hard to pretend i’m not, Its hard to live with a person who pretends to care about you but doesn’t. I’ve been hinting that I want him to leave… I’m working on reaching a point where I can actually tell him I want him to leave. I think I need to quit the bar.

 I’ve been trying to take control of my life in other ways. I’ve been on a diet since new years and I’ve managed to lose 10lbs. I’m loosing weight at a much slower rate than im used to, but I guess in the past I also wasn’t eating, so I’m doing it in a much healthier way this time so even thought im not getting the results as fast as I would like to I am still feeling better than I was. Of course one of my coworkers has taken it upon her self to be my “motivator” by which I mean, making nasty comments about everything I eat to the point that it makes everyone else in the office uncomfortable. I’ve told her multiple times that its not helpful but it seems the more I tell her its not helpful kind of the meaner she gets. I’m trying to learn to ignore it.

 I pulled my credit report, to try and figure out where my debt is and what to do about it. It actually isn’t as bad as I thought it was. I mean its still pretty bad… (over 20,000 dollars) but atleast I know where to start in terms of figuring out how to catch up on it. and I’m one months rent and 400 dollars away from being caught up on my rent, and then I can work on catching up. My one year goal is to be close to out of debt, and out of the hood. This apartment has been good to me but its time to move on.

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Four Pounds

 Its very easy to get wrapped up in things that don’t matter and wrapped up in stress. When this happens to me I almost become paralyzed. I start to move backwards, I get into a slump, I get overwhelmed, I get distracted by things that do nothing to improve my life, I start to feel like I’m failing, and I reach an unhealthy mental state.

 The relationship with Tim will never be what I need it to be. It will never be any more than what he wants it to be when he wants it to be. As much as I do love him, I need to accept that in his eyes we are best friends and nothing more. I need to stop trying to convince myself that it is ever going to be anything more than what it is, it is what it is, it will never be more than that. You cant make someone love you who isn’t capable of loving you. Were best friends, who live together and that’s all that it is. I’m done trying to make it more than it is. If it was any more than that it would be more than that.

 I’ve been on a diet for over a week now and ive lost four pounds. Four down, 96 to go. My goal is to be in a bikini by the summer. I think I can do it if I work really hard at it. I’m letting my weight hold me back from doing too much. I’ve gained a lot of weight really fast and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin, not only that physically I just feel like shit. Plus it sucks to go out to a bar with all your girlfriends and be the only one to not get hit on, or that isn’t offered to buy a drink. I know its shallow and lame, but it feels a lot like being the last picked to be on a team in gymclass. I cant dress the way I want to dress and I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. I feel like nothing looks good on me, and that I look like a big fat sausage all the time. I had just kind of given up.

 My financial situation is overwhelming. Every time I think I am going to be caught up theres a bigger hole being dug in front of me. All I want to do is to be able to go out to dinner with my friends or go out and be able to buy my own drinks and not have my friends feel like they need to be buying my drinks or dinner in order to get me to be able to go out. Its a shitty feeling, and I know that I am hopefully going to be at the tail end of this. shortly. My goal is to be paid up on all my bills by april, all I need to do is work a few hours of over time every week and I should be able to get there. I need to learn how to be better with my money. And I need to file for bankruptchy and get my student loan under control before someone attaches my pay.

 As much as I love my apartment, I no longer feel safe here. I have noticed that I am having a lot of problems with the lock on the door of my apartment and it seems it was picked. This coupled with my 3am run in with someone who I have essentially been avoiding for almost a year out of fear, and the fact that I have several times gone to my car to find someone has rummaged through it, and basically trashed it. I cant afford to move, unless I really committed to living with Tim which is not really an option at this point. And trust me, its not cool to be going on 24 years old and move back into your parents basement after being on your own for six years.

I’m starting to feel like things are closing in on me. So here are my goals, By summer I will lose 50 pounds, at least. By March, I will be caught up on my rent, By April I will be caught up on my electric bill, and I will make sure my divorce is final. And by June I will have filed for bankruptcy. Once this is done I can start to rebuild, save money and hopefully move someplace closer to my parents out of the ghetto and where my ex cant find me. I know they say you cant run from your past but this may actually be something I need to run from.

I need to start focusing more on work, on getting more over time, on making my own life better because I have the tools to do it. I need to get my ass back into the gym. Because as hard as it is to force myself to get out there I know for sure that I feel worlds better when im doing it, physically and emotionally. And I need to come to terms with the fact that Tim is never going to love me and figure out a way to stop loving him. There are so many things I want for my life, and maybe those things don’t include a man. Maybe despite what I was raised to believe there actually is not someone for everyone. Maybe all my someones are men who will never love me back, this is a cycle that I need to break for myself because I know for a fact that there is more to life than sitting at my kitchen table crying over my failed marriage, growing debt, and lack of a lover who actually loves. I knew this once and I have some how lost sight of it again. I know this is easy to do. I just need to get back there. I’m not going to let anything beat me.

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never been loved

 I’ve been in a horrendous mood all week. I thought I was thrown off from who I ran into Sunday morning, until today when I looked at the calendar and realized my three year wedding anniversary is in three days. I definitely think about these things less but when do these days actually start getting easier? My mom makes me feel like I need to just get over it because its “the anniversary of the worst decision ive ever made”, but I don’t actually think of it like that. Maybe it was the worst decision I’ve ever made but that decision is what led me to where I am right now, which in most aspects of my life is a great place to be especially at 23 years old.

I’m pretty much done with Tim, not that im not pretty sure he doesn’t care either way. I’m starting to realize that most of the good things about him are probably just in my head and that this relationship is never going to be what I want it to be. I realized this week that every relationship ive ever had was with men who would never love me back and this situation with Tim is really no different. Its clear that he only wants me when he wants me and I need to accept that and move on. I don’t know why its so hard to accept and move on. I don’t want to waste any more of my life on another man who is never ever going to love me.

 I don’t want Tim to marry me, I don’t even know if I want to ever get married again, but it would be nice to feel like he wanted to be with me all the time instead of some of the time. It would be nice if he made it a point to be a part of my life, and it would be nice if he would make me a part of his life. We’ve been talking on and off for almost a year, figure out what you want. I made myself a lot of promises when I ended my marriage and I feel like i’m breaking those promises and getting myself back into another situation similar to my marriage.

 Every man I’ve ever been with has taken advantage of me, and I’ve wound up supporting them in some way…usually financially, but I’ve never ever been with someone who wanted to support me. I don’t need someone to support me but it would be nice if someone actually wanted to. I’m just really frustrated and sad and I don’t really know what to do about it. I’m hoping that once I get through Monday things will start to feel a little better.

 I think its getting harder for me that my three oldest friends are getting married really soon. Everyone around me is getting married and I’m starting my life over, and its not that im not happy with my life or happy for them, I really am. But I feel very left behind. I know this will get better I just pictured my life very different then it is right now.

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