The second marriage

When I first split up with my husband I made a lot of plans for my life. None of those plans included ever getting married again. I wanted to be a free bird. I didn’t want to be tied down again. I actually planned that in 5 years I would try to adopt or have a baby through ivf so I could start a family on my own.
Maybe that was not my most well thought out plan. Now two years later I feel much differently about marriage then I did when mine ended. I look at it very differently now that I understand what marriage is about. And I had planned to approach my next with much more caution then I had the first.
When I started dating Tim he was what I thought was going to be the person I “got under” in order to get over my ex. But that didn’t work out, and so I began the somewhat out of control spiral that became my revolving bedroom door for the next year.
When Tim moved in. I definitely still had some unresolved feelings. I maybe even let him stay here for all the wrong reasons. I still am not sure what in my mind ever though that letting him move into my house was a good idea. But here we are over a year later and it’s so much more than I ever thought it would be. It’s not perfect, I hate that he smokes weed, I wish he had more of a plan for his life, I wish he was more social and talkative, but in the broad scheme of things he is worlds better then my ex ever was and even though he may not be everything I want in a partner he really tries hard to make up for the things he may lack.
Tonight my mom told me that my dad thinks he is going to propose at Christmas. Tim is really close to my dad so if my dad thinks this will happen he probably knows best. It’s terrifying. It’s not that I don’t love Tim, or that I don’t want to marry him. It’s a lot of me being afraid. I knew he wanted to marry me. I knew his only long term plan he had for his life is to be with me. But I really thought he and I would be together for four more years before this became an option. We’ve only been together a year and I’m not even officially divorced yet. Granted I’ve been separated for two years now but it feels some what inappropriate.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid that history will repeat itself. How do I know that the marriage I had is not how marriage is. How do I know that he doesn’t just want to marry me because he can’t hide the bad parts of himself for much longer and he knows that if we get married I’ll be trapped. Before I married my ex he was great but over night he became a monster. I want to believe that things will be different the second time around but I don’t know how to be sure.
I know what I want for my life. And I know that Tim and I are on our way to having those things together. Is this fear normal? My mom had a similar marriage and divorce, she says feeling this way is normal, but I hate to say it, my parents haven’t had the greatest life together maybe her fears were a warning sign that my dad wasn’t right for her.
I want to do things right this time. And I know I love Tim, and I think he’s right for me. I just don’t know that I’m ready to get married again. My friends and my parents say that just because I say yes doesn’t mean I have to marry him right away, but that feels selfish and there’s no good way to bring up my fears without hurting him which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to hurt him or take the idea off the table I just want a couple more years of just being together before we get married. Maybe I’m thinking too much because it wasn’t like a solid this is going to happen thing my dad said. Just his thoughts.

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Working

Lately I have been increasingly paranoid about losing my job. It’s not that I feel like I’m doing anything wrong, but the company is going through a lot of changes and I can’t help but feel like I am going to be one of them. I’m hoping it’s all in my head but it is definitely putting a fire in me to finish my degree.
I’ve spent entirely too much time in my life since high school not having a backup plan and now that my life is finally starting to settle down from the past couple years and be more stable I feel like I need to start coming up with backups. And maybe some backups for my backups.
I’ve always had trouble with school. The weird thing is I’m a great worker but I’m more driven to make money then I am to sit in a class room. Focus is hard for me and the older I get the harder it is. This somewhat spills into my work life but I am usually able to get it under control. I know if I were to lose my job I would be able to go back to the bar until I could find another job but I have come so far since those days that I almost feel like if I were to go back there I may do some back sliding.
I’m finally at a point where I am able to pay my rent, buy my groceries, put gas in my car, put money in savings, and have some money left over. Some weeks are still a struggle but I’m getting there. And slowly but surely I am getting less help from my parents.
I still really want to move but I am not quite at a point where I feel secure enough in my relationship where I am ok with putting someone else’s name on the lease. And I know that if I left here I could not afford a higher rent on my own. I also have the safety net of knowing that as long as I live here if I were to ever lose my job and get behind my landlord wouldn’t just evict me.
I’ve never worked only one job. Ever since high school I’ve always had two. Sometimes every three jobs so that if something happened to one job I had something to fall back on. While I love being able to just come home after work I always felt a little more secure knowing that if I lost this job I would at least make enough money to put gas in my car to look for another job.
I don’t know what sparked this feeling in me. Though sometimes I think that I have a hard time feeling secure in anything ever since I married my ex. I know I can’t blame him for everything that’s wrong in my life. But I never had these constant feelings of insecurity before him. I am still working to cope with the things that have happened. I found a great therapist and I am learning to deal with life without the help of medication which is big for me because living a normal functioning life on psychiatric meds is very difficult for me. I haven’t been on any meds in over a year. And for the most part I feel great. Considering I was hospitalized three years ago yesterday I am doing great without meds. Retrospectively I think what happened three years ago was because I felt that there was only one way to get out of my situation. It was not the way. And I’m glad for that. I wish the person I am now could have met the person I was then and let her know that there is a way out and that life goes on.
My niece was born while I was hospitalized. And I still regret that the most. She will be three this week and every day I am thankful that I am here to watch her grow up and be a part of her life.
Right now I am at my personal best financially emotionally and probably physically. I am working to do things the right way and not the fast way or the easy way. Maybe the reason I am so worried about losing my job is because all of these things are a result of the job that I have. I definately don’t want to sabotage myself.

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Growth

It’s been over a year since I filed for divorce. And I’m approaching the two year mark of the day I threw him out. It’s hard to believe how far I’ve come from those points in my life. It all feels so far behind me now that sometimes, briefly, I forget that it happened.
It’s been a year since Tim moved in. And I’ve been gone for awhile and during that time a lot of things have changed. Tim and I reached a point where we had to either really be together and make it work, or move on and not be a part of each other’s lives. So we decided to make it work. I’ve always believed that despite what you do in life all the things that are meant to happen happen regardless of whether or not you want them to or whether or not your ready.
I’m still struggling, especially when I watch all my friends getting married and having babies. I’m still starting my life over. And even though I have a great career and now a great relationship it’s still hard for me. It’s not hard not being with him, it’s mostly hard because I’m not at a point where I’m losing all my friends to marriage. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I know more than anyone that when you start your family you no longer have as much time for your friends. And I already started my family once, and It didn’t work, but I missed out on everything I could have experienced with my friends. I won’t get that back.
Tim wants to get married. Not now, but in the future. I have my doubts about this. Part of me feels like marriage is a trap, something that guys do to get you so you can’t leave and then that’s when the bad parts come out. But I see my friends marriages, and they aren’t like that, so then I feel like maybe there’s hope for me. Maybe I just feel strange about the fact that the first serious relationship after my marriage ended is a person who wants to marry me. Maybe the problem is that I’m just having such a hard time accepting that someone really loves me, and isn’t just with me to take advantage of the things I can offer them, and isn’t going to go out and sleep with everything that moves. Of course I love him which is not something I ever really thought I would feel for another person. But I can’t help but feel cautious about it. Like sometimes I feel like he doesn’t quite understand exactly what a marriage entails. I think he has a lot of growing up to do, and maybe so do I.
These are all things I’m trying to deal with. Along with all the other things I’ve gained from my marriage, like the debt. I’m finally getting in a position to be able to pay that off. Or at least start to, it’s slow, but it’s happening. At this point in my life I want more than anything to own a house, but I’m trying to learn how to be patient about things and not want or expect them to happen right this second, and not putting myself in a bad situation to obtain the things I want. Everything in time.
I’ve lost almost 50lbs since the beginning of this year. It’s a great feeling, not just because I look better. But because overall I feel better. I still have 50 more lbs to go before I reach the weight I was at before everything fell apart.
I feel like my greatest accomplishment so far is my job. It’s both a source of pride and a source of fear for me. Fear because I feel like this is my only chance to be successful and I’m terrified of screwing that up. Most days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m just flying by the seat of my pants hoping that what I’m doing is the right thing. But dam does it feel good to have a little money in savings pay my bills and still have a little but left when my next paycheck comes. It’s great to have a boss who cares about his employees. As much as my job stresses me out some days at the end of the day I really love everything about it.
I’m focusing a lot on setting goals for my life that do not involve marriage and a family. I think that was my greatest mistake. Of course I’m kind of open to these things. Obviously it’s something I want some day, but it’s not like “the dream”. I think “the dream” is to find myself in a place where I’m financially and emotionally stable.
We are still living in the hood, although I really hope to move out of it soon. The area is getting more dangerous, the neighbors are getting worse. And I’m commuting to the city part of the week to work, which is an hour to an hour and a half there and back. I have a lot of fear about leaving though. Mostly stemming from having to put Tim on a lease, and paying a higher rent. I know that as long as I stay here if Tim left tomorrow I would still be able to pay the rent without much of a struggle. But if I were living somewhere more expensive I may not be able to. I’m also afraid of putting him on a lease having things go south and not being able to get him out because “he’s on the lease” (which my ex did to me many times). Were able to save more money here as well, we both need new cars, and if my divorce is ever final, it would be nice to have some savings to buy a house when the time is right. Or even just to know that if something happens I have a cushion to take care of it which doesn’t involve asking my parents for help.

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So I have been away for a while. Trying to focus on staying on my feet. Trying to figure out if the relationship I’m in is the right situation for me. Trying to get through being a bridesmaid in three weddings while I go through my own divorce. However something totally horrifying happened to me tonight that I felt like I needed to share.
My third and final wedding is Saturday and tonight the bridal party closed down a nail salon early to get manicures and pedicures and drink mimosas. I was just in a wedding a week ago so I needed to soak my previous polish off. No sooner then she had wrapped my nails did I have to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t wait anymore and the girl at the salon said to just go with the wraps on. As you could imagine what happened next I wound up with acetone in places no one should ever have acetone. It felt exactly how it sounds like it felt.

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Debt

 I talked to a lawyer the other day about what my rights are interms of getting him to assume the debt he created in my name. At the start of this divorce I had planned to just let the marriage dissolve and deal with the debt by filing for bankruptcy. But after pulling my credit and seeing the debt im in and separating whats really mine from whats his I realize that of the 20 thousand dollars of debt im in only about 11 thousand of it is mine, and that includes my student loan and car loan if you take those out of the equation my personal debt is only about 3 thousand dollars. If I can get him to assume this debt then it would cut my debt way down and I would be able to get out of this on my own. It may take a couple years but in time it would happen and that would look more in my favor then a bankruptcy would.

 I am feeling very overwhelmed by my debt. I’m still behind on my rent and my electric bill and my home alarm. My mom is paying my car and car insurance, and I’m really barely scraping by. I’m in a better place now then I was at the beginning, because atleast I have reached a point where I can afford groceries and don’t have to scrounge for gas money. I just don’t know where to start in terms of getting my finances in order so that I can move out into a new apartment that isn’t the apartment that was my apartment with him, that wasn’t the apartment that he cheated on me every single day in while I was working 7 days a week to support him.

I’m done with the situation. I’m done with him and his lies and all the chaos hes created in my life. For a long time I thought I was doing fine with it and coming to terms with it but lately its getting harder and harder, and I don’t know if its because I am finally dealing with it or if its because of the whole shit situation with Tim.

 I tried to end it with Tim, I spent two hours writing him a letter detailing everything I feel and how the relationship doesn’t make me feel good and basically that I feel we should go our separate ways, that was exactly a week ago and since that letter he has completely changed the way he treated me. He acts like a boyfriend for the most part but yet still refuses to call me his girlfriend. I don’t know if this is something I want or trust. I don’t know if I believe that he cares about me like he says he does or if he just cares about having a place to live. Maybe part of that is me and my issues with feeling like love is a real thing, maybe its him, maybe its a combination of the two. I know I love him, but I don’t trust that he loves me. Its exhausting.

I feel like I’m stuck, like whenever I think im going to get caught up on something something happens and it pulls me back.  I’ve been putting most of my energy into into dieting and working and trying to make my life better, I went back to see my therapist. I’m trying really hard not to let my damages effect the other aspects of my life. Right now luckily I have a lot of distractions but I’m feeling more and more like I need a vacation.

I went to the gym for the first time in a year, and it felt really good, I wasn’t even in as terrible shape as I had thought I would be. It wasn’t as miserable as I thought it would be. Once I get into a routine it will be easier, and hopefully I will get back under 200 pounds before summer.

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I have the stomach Flu

 Last night I went out with a group of new friends, truthfully I had spent the day on the couch yesterday and had no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I thought it was because I have been feeling particularly depressed, I’m determined not to let my winter blues get the best of it, so I got my ass moving and went out. Aside from feeling over tired I felt fine until we hit the Chinese restaurant, half way through my general gau it got ugly. I basically haven’t moved from the couch or my bed since I got home last night.

 I was supposed to go on a date tonight with a guy who I have never met. Secretly I have been looking for a way out of it all week, for multiple reasons. The last time I went on a blind date there was the whole cat shooting lazer beams from his eyes at the moon shirt kid situation, and I don’t know if I can handle another bad date. But that wasn’t the only reason, he seems nice, but I just don’t know if  im ready to have the “im in the process of getting divorced and I also live with a guy” conversation, and I know its a conversation that we are gonna need to have and im not quite sure when the right point to have that conversation. The other thing is I’m just nervous, truthfully I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a real date. So the stomach flu bought me some time to get over it. I texted him this morning to let him know I was sick and needed to take a raincheck on our date, but I feel like he has been spending the entire day texting me trying to catch me lying about being sick. That really bothers me, it almost feels like a deal breaker.

 I feel like I need to establish things with Tim before I make any moves towards dating other people with Tim. Weve had quite a few blow outs lately and the relationship isn’t going anywhere. I had partially told him how I felt but left a lot of things out because I was afraid to lose him. However I am starting to realize that you cant lose someone that you don’t have and this situation will never be what I want it to be. So today I let him know in no uncertain terms the way the relationship makes me feel, and the fact that basically he needs to move out or start making a considerable effort to help pay the bills. I also told him that I was walking away from the relationship and seeing other people because the relationship doesn’t make me feel good.  I have yet to hear anything back from him, but I guess I don’t expect to hear anything back either.

I’ve decided to start seeing my therapist again, I’m just having a really hard time with life in general and I don’t want to let that effect my relationships with my friends and my career. I just don’t feel like I have the energy to do anything anymore, and I need to deal with that before it starts negatively affecting my life. If I want to spend the next year getting out of debt and working towards moving out of the hood than I need to be at the top of my game and right now I know that I’m not, and that almost makes things worse.

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Ten Pounds

 Last night I came home to a letter in my mailbox from my therapist. Oddly enough it couldn’t have come at a better time because lately I have been feeling particularly weak. The 13 would have been my three year wedding anniversary it was also the day my not yet ex husband proposed to one of the girls he cheated on me with, the day I found out about it, and the day everyone he knew called me to tell me how ridiculous the situation is. All his friends were on my side of the divorce… not that I had ever asked them to be, but they saw him for what he was long before I ever did. The 13 was also four days after my not yet ex broke into my car and one week after the last pathetic phone call asking me to take him back.

 I have long considering going back to my therapist since slowly things have started to creep back on me. I haven’t been feeling happy, I’ve actually been feeling like my life is very out of my control. All I want to do is sit in my bed and cuddle with my dog. I’ve really actually ended things with Tim. The end came on Wednesday when one of our coworkers basically pulled me aside and informed me that he was basically making me look like a joke, that everyone knew we were living together and that judging by the fact that he took almost all of his shifts off from work he probably wasn’t paying much in rent. I need to start sticking up for my self and remembering the promises I made myself when I ended my marriage. I am not going to put myself in another situation like I was with another guy who doesn’t love me. I’m hurt, its hard to pretend i’m not, Its hard to live with a person who pretends to care about you but doesn’t. I’ve been hinting that I want him to leave… I’m working on reaching a point where I can actually tell him I want him to leave. I think I need to quit the bar.

 I’ve been trying to take control of my life in other ways. I’ve been on a diet since new years and I’ve managed to lose 10lbs. I’m loosing weight at a much slower rate than im used to, but I guess in the past I also wasn’t eating, so I’m doing it in a much healthier way this time so even thought im not getting the results as fast as I would like to I am still feeling better than I was. Of course one of my coworkers has taken it upon her self to be my “motivator” by which I mean, making nasty comments about everything I eat to the point that it makes everyone else in the office uncomfortable. I’ve told her multiple times that its not helpful but it seems the more I tell her its not helpful kind of the meaner she gets. I’m trying to learn to ignore it.

 I pulled my credit report, to try and figure out where my debt is and what to do about it. It actually isn’t as bad as I thought it was. I mean its still pretty bad… (over 20,000 dollars) but atleast I know where to start in terms of figuring out how to catch up on it. and I’m one months rent and 400 dollars away from being caught up on my rent, and then I can work on catching up. My one year goal is to be close to out of debt, and out of the hood. This apartment has been good to me but its time to move on.

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