Its very easy to get wrapped up in things that don’t matter and wrapped up in stress. When this happens to me I almost become paralyzed. I start to move backwards, I get into a slump, I get overwhelmed, I get distracted by things that do nothing to improve my life, I start to feel like I’m failing, and I reach an unhealthy mental state.
The relationship with Tim will never be what I need it to be. It will never be any more than what he wants it to be when he wants it to be. As much as I do love him, I need to accept that in his eyes we are best friends and nothing more. I need to stop trying to convince myself that it is ever going to be anything more than what it is, it is what it is, it will never be more than that. You cant make someone love you who isn’t capable of loving you. Were best friends, who live together and that’s all that it is. I’m done trying to make it more than it is. If it was any more than that it would be more than that.
I’ve been on a diet for over a week now and ive lost four pounds. Four down, 96 to go. My goal is to be in a bikini by the summer. I think I can do it if I work really hard at it. I’m letting my weight hold me back from doing too much. I’ve gained a lot of weight really fast and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin, not only that physically I just feel like shit. Plus it sucks to go out to a bar with all your girlfriends and be the only one to not get hit on, or that isn’t offered to buy a drink. I know its shallow and lame, but it feels a lot like being the last picked to be on a team in gymclass. I cant dress the way I want to dress and I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. I feel like nothing looks good on me, and that I look like a big fat sausage all the time. I had just kind of given up.
My financial situation is overwhelming. Every time I think I am going to be caught up theres a bigger hole being dug in front of me. All I want to do is to be able to go out to dinner with my friends or go out and be able to buy my own drinks and not have my friends feel like they need to be buying my drinks or dinner in order to get me to be able to go out. Its a shitty feeling, and I know that I am hopefully going to be at the tail end of this. shortly. My goal is to be paid up on all my bills by april, all I need to do is work a few hours of over time every week and I should be able to get there. I need to learn how to be better with my money. And I need to file for bankruptchy and get my student loan under control before someone attaches my pay.
As much as I love my apartment, I no longer feel safe here. I have noticed that I am having a lot of problems with the lock on the door of my apartment and it seems it was picked. This coupled with my 3am run in with someone who I have essentially been avoiding for almost a year out of fear, and the fact that I have several times gone to my car to find someone has rummaged through it, and basically trashed it. I cant afford to move, unless I really committed to living with Tim which is not really an option at this point. And trust me, its not cool to be going on 24 years old and move back into your parents basement after being on your own for six years.
I’m starting to feel like things are closing in on me. So here are my goals, By summer I will lose 50 pounds, at least. By March, I will be caught up on my rent, By April I will be caught up on my electric bill, and I will make sure my divorce is final. And by June I will have filed for bankruptcy. Once this is done I can start to rebuild, save money and hopefully move someplace closer to my parents out of the ghetto and where my ex cant find me. I know they say you cant run from your past but this may actually be something I need to run from.
I need to start focusing more on work, on getting more over time, on making my own life better because I have the tools to do it. I need to get my ass back into the gym. Because as hard as it is to force myself to get out there I know for sure that I feel worlds better when im doing it, physically and emotionally. And I need to come to terms with the fact that Tim is never going to love me and figure out a way to stop loving him. There are so many things I want for my life, and maybe those things don’t include a man. Maybe despite what I was raised to believe there actually is not someone for everyone. Maybe all my someones are men who will never love me back, this is a cycle that I need to break for myself because I know for a fact that there is more to life than sitting at my kitchen table crying over my failed marriage, growing debt, and lack of a lover who actually loves. I knew this once and I have some how lost sight of it again. I know this is easy to do. I just need to get back there. I’m not going to let anything beat me.